All About the Split Attraction Model: What It Means When Your Romantic and Sexual Orientations Aren't Aligned
July 7, 2026
It was October of 2020 when I first told the readers of my blog that I would eventually cover this topic. It was sometime in 2022 when I first sat down to actually work on it. I've been planning, writing, editing, and temporarily shelving this series of articles over and over again for more than four years. It began as only one draft, covering roughly three topics that were all intertwined enough that I thought they could be posted together. Over time, as I continued to add to it, it became too big for just one post; so I split it up into two, with the longest part becoming its own thing. But then the remaining part felt like it should be split into two again; and then into three. Ultimately, what we're ending up with is a four-part series on the topic of attraction, with each chapter being somewhat related, but separate enough to warrant its own dedicated entry. It's been difficult to find the correct words for certain parts of this series -- mostly the parts where I describe the attractions I personally feel, which will be in a later chapter -- because human attraction is an incredibly difficult thing to define sometimes. Especially when it can be split up into so many categories, which is the exact topic of this first chapter and one of the main themes running through the entire series. It's something we don't talk about enough, and something that isn't even on most people's radars, at least in the allosexual world. But one of the beautiful things about being asexual, like myself, is that it allows you -- and prompts you -- to explore those categories, those other forms of attraction, in ways that most allos have never even thought of. It leads to better understanding of yourself and of concepts that aren't openly discussed in most of the allo- and heteronormative world. These terms will come up a lot, so here are the definitions for anyone needing them: Asexual or ace = someone who does not experience sexual attraction, or experiences it very littleAllosexual or allo = the opposite of asexual, someone who has 'normal' sexual attraction
Aromantic and alloromantic = the same as above, but referring to romantic attraction rather than sexual This specific topic had to be the first of the series, because every chapter that comes after it will be referring back to it, tying each post together. I have always been a strong advocate for awareness of the split attraction model (SAM for short) and believe that everyone could benefit greatly from learning about it. While it's been very helpful to a lot of asexuals, it's something that most allos haven't even heard of; and honestly, I think we're doing them a great disservice by keeping it from them. Recently, a woman went viral for saying she was bisexual but would never have a relationship with another woman, which naturally caused a big ruckus in sapphic circles. In response, some people spoke about the author of the video likely having split attraction. And in response to that, I actually saw somebody claim that an allosexual being aware of the split attraction model and using it to describe their own attraction (such as bisexual but heteroromantic) was "co-opting the language used by the ace community." I cannot stress enough how deeply and thoroughly I disagree with this take. Split attraction is not something that's solely for asexuals, and claiming that awareness spreading to the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community is equal to the 'co-opting' of something that belongs to us feels like a very selfish and exclusionary take to me. We should not be trapping allosexual people, especially other queer people, in boxes they may not actually fit into just because we want to be special and have our own language. Literally anybody can have split attraction, and I absolutely believe that a lot more people have it than actually realize it. I've seen a few allos have their minds blown when they learned about it and realized it resonated with them. I want more of that. I want everyone -- EVERYONE -- to know what split attraction is and that they are allowed to identify with it if it resonates. Allos deserve, just as aces do, to be informed and educated about something that might pertain to them. I also believe that spreading awareness overall, even to people who don't identify with it, will create more understanding and clear up a lot of confusion that many people have. It is never a bad thing to be informed. And on that note, just in case you haven't been informed yet -- although I'm sure it's quite obvious at this point -- allow me to explain exactly what split attraction is. Basically, it just means that your orientation, or the object of your attraction (men, women, etc.), is not the same across the board. Of course, this requires us to acknowledge that there are multiple different ways of being attracted to someone, with the two major ways being sexually and romantically. There are other forms of attraction as well, but since these are the two that primarily affect the relationships someone has, they are the most discussed, and I'm going to stick with that for the purpose of this article. In most people, sexual and romantic orientation are aligned. If you're sexually attracted to men, you're usually romantically attracted to men as well, or at least this is the most common expectation. Somebody whose attractions are aligned would be classified as perioriented, which I only recently learned myself while doing research for this article -- I didn't want to leave anything important out, so I ended up teaching myself something new in the process. The opposite of this term, someone whose attractions are not aligned (or split) is called varioriented. Good to know! Naturally, the split attraction model is discussed a lot more within the asexual community. By merely identifying as ace, we have already come to terms with the fact that we don't experience attraction the way most people do, and I think we're much more easily able to embrace the concept of being 'varioriented' because of this. Outside of the ace community, people tend to assume that you only have one orientation, and that it includes every type of attraction. When I was younger, I made that assumption, too. I just figured if you were attracted to a particular gender, you were attracted to them, end of story. You were either heterosexual, homosexual, or some form of bisexual -- all of which were all-encompassing and meant you liked those genders both sexually and romantically. That's what it seemed like I'd been taught my whole life; but it felt wrong and made me confused because I was experiencing something I didn't know anyone else experienced. Even when I did eventually become aware of asexuality as a secret fourth option, I was still under the impression that it was all-encompassing. That being ace meant having no object of attraction at all: asexuality and aromanticism (a term I hadn't heard yet) all in one. Somewhere between 2012 and 2014, when my love life was in a period of upheaval, I actually told a friend, or maybe just said it to myself, that I wished I could be asexual. This ended up turning into a really amusing memory 6 to 8 years later when I finally realized that I am asexual. What I'd actually meant all those years ago was that I wanted to be aromantic. I didn't realize they weren't the same thing because no one had ever taught me about the split attraction model. When I finally did discover it, it changed my entire life and identity. I never would have been able to come out as ace, to have this level of understanding and self-awareness, if I hadn't learned about split attraction. For the longest time, I thought my attraction to men made me straight. I didn't think I could be bi because I didn't have much interest in women sexually, and because I didn't know sexual attraction could be separate from aesthetic and romantic, I couldn't admit to anyone that I actually wasn't interested in sex with men either. I would have felt like an imposter if I referred to myself as ace, because I was clearly attracted to people and had many crushes. I was just kind of stuck identifying as straight; finding women so beautiful but knowing I couldn't add another gender to my sexual label when I didn't even like sex to begin with; experiencing both romantic and aesthetic attraction to sometimes extreme degrees, but wishing I could just date an asexual person who didn't want to sleep with me so I wouldn't have to worry about all of that. (Yes, in addition to wishing I were ace, I also wished to date an ace at one point -- and I still didn't know!) So learning about split attraction was an extremely important step in understanding who I am, and I know I'm not the only one. I believe there are quite a few aces who were finally able to make sense of their orientation because they learned about split attraction, and were suddenly much less confused about what they were feeling. Understanding that romantic or even aesthetic attraction is not the same as sexual has opened the door for so many aces to understand and embrace their identity. An even more confusing one, in my opinion, is sensual attraction, which is why one of my next posts will be dedicated to that topic. While many asexuals are also aromantic (making them perioriented), a quick Google search says that this is the case in only about 19-26% of the ace community, meaning that the other 74-81% is varioriented and experiences romantic attraction to some degree and to at least one gender. Those percentages make it clear that the majority of the asexual community experiences split attraction; but as I stated earlier, you do not have to be ace for your attraction to be split. There are many other ways this can manifest. And honestly, I feel like some of them, if widely accepted, would help clear up a lot of misconceptions about certain members of the queer community -- particularly bisexuals -- and hopefully lead to decreased in-fighting and improved harmony between us all. According to Wikipedia, although the modern concept of the split attraction model was introduced between 2005 and 2015, the earliest documentation of something akin to it was way back in 1879. Yes, almost 150 years ago. At that time, the author (Karl Heinrich Ulrichs) described 'conjunctive' and 'disjunctive' bisexuals, or in the modern terms we discussed earlier, perioriented and varioriented, or people with aligned attraction vs. split. Using his terms, a disjunctive bisexual would be a bisexual person who is either heteroromantic or homoromantic. Or, I suppose, aromantic. I'm unsure if asexuality and aromanticism were mentioned in his works at all, but apparently he wrote many books about non-hetero attraction, so I'm definitely interested in looking into his works more in the future. But this serves as even more proof that split attraction has never been just for asexuals. While the term split attraction might have been coined by the ace community in the 2000's, the concept of split attraction has been around long before our community even had a name for itself. In Ulrichs' 1879 model, the main focus, at least judging by the brief paragraph I read about it on Wikipedia, seems to have been bisexual people. Take the woman I mentioned earlier who'd gone viral for saying she was bisexual but would never be in a sapphic relationship. The most likely scenario in her case is that she's a heteroromantic bisexual. Another option could be that she's denying her romantic attraction to other women because of internalized homophobia, comp-het, religious upbringing, or other reasons. It takes years for some people to undo the damage of being raised in a homophobic society or household, and sometimes it comes in stages. Someone could admit to their sexual attraction to the same sex, but convince themselves it's 'okay' as long as they don't have a romantic relationship or act on their attraction. Religion and homophobia really do a number on a lot of queer people's psyches. In a few more years, that woman could be a proud bisexual who's open to all relationships, or could even identify as lesbian in the future. I don't know her, obviously, so I'm not trying to project any orientation onto her; I'm just listing options. But it's also possible her opinions and orientation won't change at all, and that she's simply a heteroromantic bisexual woman. And as much as people want to make that out to be problematic, it really isn't. Any combination of orientations is valid. Of course the caveat here is that any woman who experiences attraction in this way absolutely needs to be completely open and honest about it with any woman she's considering getting with. There are plenty of women who would be open to a hookup without the desire for any romantic relationship, but it's your responsibility to be honest about your intentions beforehand rather than leading somebody on and making them think a romantic relationship is possible if you know it isn't. This goes for everyone, really, not just bi women. Honest communication and being upfront about your intentions is best policy for anyone in the dating world. And let's be real, if everyone including allos is informed about what split attraction means, it will become so much easier for people to explain their intentions to others. People, like lesbians who hook up with bi women, are less likely to be hurt or misled in this sort of dynamic when the other woman can easily self-describe as heteroromantic bisexual prior to hooking up and have it be received and understood from the get-go. Then the other woman can make the decision of whether or not she wants to engage in a sexual dynamic where she knows actual dating is impossible. If we could all be informed and honest with each other about what we want, I think it would make all types of relationships easier. I also want to point out this is not entirely a problem with bi women, but they are the ones who've come under fire for it the most, so I'm using that particular example to address it. I will be discussing this further, and a lot of other negative stereotypes about bi and pan people, in the final chapter of this series, which is currently scheduled to be posted three weeks from now on July 28. So bi people and women specifically, I hope you don't feel attacked by my example. I'm here to promote healthy relationships and solidarity between bi women and lesbians, not the opposite. Though it isn't always the case, split attraction sometimes also leads people to explore ethical non-monogamy (ENM) in one form or another, especially in the case of asexuals who have romantic partnerships with allos, and/or partners with a much higher sex-drive. While some will still prefer monogamy (which is valid; everyone should have the relationship style that works for them), polyamory or an open relationship allows the other partner to have their 'needs' met without the ace partner feeling pressured. This can also work in relationships where at least one partner is bisexual, and honestly, the existence of heteroromantic bisexuals could be at least a partial explanation of why so many unicorn-hunters exist -- couples consisting of a bi woman and a (usually straight) man who seek out another woman to have a threesome or a 'throuple' with. Though unfortunately, these couples are one of the most toxic ways that non-monogamy manifests. There's ultimately nothing wrong with the MFF dynamic -- as long as everyone is on board, do what you want to do and have fun. But unfortunately many couples of this sort prioritize only their own pleasure (often specifically the man's pleasure) without taking the other woman's feelings into consideration or thinking of her as an equal partner. It's often a very male-centered dynamic in which the man pretends he's doing his partner a favor by letting her explore her sexuality when he's actually doing it for selfish reasons and fetishizing bi women for his own pleasure. Those who are bi are not automatically non-monogamous -- another stereotype I'll address further in a few weeks -- and one of the main reasons unicorn-hunting couples have become a big problem for the queer community is that they will often prey on women who do not want to be part of a non-monogamous dynamic, even using sketchy dating app practices (like making an account under only the woman's name) to attract monogamous sapphic women and sometimes even lesbians before dropping the truth on them. Some bi or pan people might want to explore their sexuality with another gender while remaining romantically monogamous to their opposite-gender partner, and this can be totally fine as long as it's done ethically, but it can also lead to their partner, especially common if the partner is a straight male, taking advantage of the situation. This is only one example of non-monogamy being toxic, though, and there are many examples of polyamory and other forms of ENM being completely healthy and actually ethical. Again, honesty and open communication, along with consent, are always the most important requirement of any romantic or sexual dynamic. One of my favorite examples of split attraction is a couple I discovered while watching an older BuzzFeed video where asexuals answer questions about their orientation (video can be found here). One of the asexual women in the video, Daley South, briefly introduced (at 8 minutes and 4 seconds into the linked video) one of her partners, Jeffrey Lord, who is a gay man, sexually speaking. But because he is also panromantic, he is able to be in a romantic relationship with Daley, and/or other women or non-binary people, despite only being sexually attracted to men. And since they are polyamorous, Jeffrey is able to have sexual relationships with others as well. So while Daley and Jeffrey might not sexually attracted to each other, they have a romantic relationship that works great for both of them (at least they were together at the time of the video; despite following them both on Instagram, I'm unsure if they're still together romantically or if they currently have a platonic relationship). Some unfortunate souls even have attraction that is completely split -- such as heteroromantic but homosexual -- making relationships incredibly difficult. I've spoken to a man at least once who told me this was the case for him. So while he only wants a romantic relationship with a woman, he's only sexually attracted to other men. While this is totally valid, it would definitely make life and romance very complicated. For people like him, polyamory is probably the only way to go; but many people are naturally monogamous and would find it difficult to be in such a dynamic. For their sake, I hope they find whatever works for them in the long-run, because I can only imagine the frustration of trying to date when your attraction is completely split like that. This example might be a bit out of pocket, but I often think about the scene from the movie Bohemian Rhapsody where Freddie Mercury first comes out to his wife. I am not sure how accurate this scene is to Freddie's real life, but at least in the movie, it really stood out to me that it was actually his wife who projected the gay label onto him, despite him initially telling her that he thought he might be bisexual. At first I thought this was just an example of bi erasure, which it could still be; but after thinking it over more, I began to think of it in terms of split attraction as well. I'm not trying to project a sexuality onto a man who's tragically no longer here to speak on it himself, but there is pretty strong evidence to support the idea that Freddie was actually biromantic and homosexual (i.e. he romantically loved his wife and had romantic attraction to both men and women, while only having sexual attraction to men), but he had no way of knowing that split attraction was a thing. Either way, I view Freddie as both a gay and bi icon since he's unfortunately unable to tell us which label he'd prefer these days (may he rest in peace). Also, while it's less talked about than the reverse, it's entirely possible to be aromantic but still have sexual attraction, which honestly I think could explain a lot about hookup culture and why many people seem so much more interested in sex than actual relationships. So there's biromantic asexual. Heteroromantic bisexual. Panromantic homosexual. Aromantic heterosexual. And those are just a few examples; people can be literally any combination. And while any of them is bound to complicate your life a little bit, there's often solace in learning that there's a label out there that fits you. This is why I think it's so important for allos to learn about split attraction, just as it is for aces. For that matter, I think everyone -- ace or allo, peri- or varioriented -- can achieve better understanding of others as well as themselves when they understand that attraction isn't a monolith. It's a complicated part of being human, and exists on a spectrum just like everything else about us. So if you've ever felt like you could be bisexual, but a romantic relationship with the opposite sex is the only thing that feels natural to you; if you love all genders, but are only interested in one of them sexually; if you have crushes and find people attractive, but have no interest in sex... or if you've previously been aware of split attraction, but thought it was something only asexuals experienced... I hope some of this might resonate with you and lead you to a better understanding of your own orientation. We could all stand to have improved self-awareness, as well as more understanding and compassion for the other communities around us.