Four Types of Attraction I Experience As an Asexual

July 14, 2026

But on the bright side, there's a lot of beauty in an existence where sexual attraction doesn't cloud your judgment, and where you're prompted to explore and find joy in things that others never even think about.

Last week I posted this piece about the split attraction model, which kicked off my four-part series all about different aspects of attraction. Originally that article and this one were contained within the same document and intended to be posted together, but they had to be split up because there was just too much to say. That part of course had to be posted first because a lot of allos may not even realize that these types of attraction exist individually, and I think it's important to know that before reading this list.

It was almost six full years ago when I first promised (in my first article about exploring my own orientation) that I would put together a more detailed list of the various types of non-sexual attraction that I personally experience. It's been four years since I sat down to write it. Finding the right words to describe one's own attraction in a way that makes sense to others can sometimes be a hard and time-consuming task. Although I have worked on this article periodically over those four years, I'm glad I waited until now to finalize and post it, because honestly, I have so much more understanding of my own attraction now than I did when I first attempted to write this.

The main intention of this list is to educate allosexuals about the attractions I experience, because I know that when people hear me call myself asexual, and then later hear the way I talk about people I'm attracted to, they can become confused. I'm making this list to show how attraction can be intense and passionate without being sexual. A secondary intention is that it might be something other asexuals, especially those who are still exploring their identity, can learn from and relate to; something that makes them feel less alone in their experience.

I also hope my list might actually encourage others -- whether ace or allo -- to explore their own attraction in a more in-depth way. Regardless of your orientation, I want to encourage you to realize how beautiful and joyful it can be to experience these forms of attraction without feeling the need to tie it into something sexual. We've been conditioned to believe that everything about the human experience, and especially human attraction, has to be sexual in nature. It's liberating to realize that isn't the case; that even if sexual attraction is something you have, there are other aspects of life that can exist without it, even in the realm of romance and attraction.

A Few Disclaimers

Again, these will all be forms of non-platonic attraction. Technically, platonic attraction is also a thing I experience, as I think pretty much everybody does. But that isn't something I think about when I'm talking about attraction. I know that being drawn to somebody in a platonic way and wanting to be friends with them is technically an attraction, but I would never consider myself attracted to my friends. If I did become attracted to one of them, it would be in one of the non-platonic ways listed below, at which point I might be considering a different type of relationship with them. In general, 'platonic' and 'attraction' are not things I think go together. Your opinions on this might vary -- and of course platonic is widely recognized as one of the types of attraction -- but to me, the idea of calling myself 'attracted' to platonic friends weirds me out. I would rather say that I'm 'drawn' to them, even if it technically means the same thing.

Although this is intended as an educational list, it's educational through personal experience. So everything I write here is specific to my attraction, how I experience it, and what it means to me (although in many places I do try to view it through other people's lenses as much as possible). Asexual people are not a monolith and I'm in no way speaking for the whole asexual community. This isn't meant to be a complete list of attractions that people can have, but a personal list of the ones I do have. I am also not stating my opinions as facts -- at least not for anybody other than myself -- so when I say that I view something in a specific way, I'm not criticizing others for viewing it differently.

While most of the major forms of non-platonic attraction are covered here, and I've made sure to stick only to the widely-recognized ones, there are some things that I've intentionally left out because I personally don't view them as their own individual types of attraction.

A good example of this is intellectual attraction. I don't really consider this a type of attraction, but a trait that you find attractive about someone. Other people do consider it its own separate type of attraction, and that's fine. To me, a person's intelligence, kindness, political views, etc. are all traits that can make me attracted to someone, but the type of attraction I'm feeling toward them as an individual will still fall into one of the few main categories. What people describe as intellectual attraction (finding someone's thoughts or intellect appealing) can happen in any type of relationship. Whether you feel romantically, platonically, or some other way about a person, you can find their thoughts and intellect appealing; so to me, it doesn't represent its own form of attraction as it can be applied to most of them. Instead, I would say I'm romantically attracted to someone (as an example) and that it's in part because of their intellect.

As someone who's obsessed with music, and specifically certain styles of music, I have a major thing for performers and getting to watch them on stage, especially when it's clear we have similar tastes and that they feel as passionately about the music as I do. Most of my 'celebrity' crushes are metal musicians and singers. I even recently made a Threads post that said, "If I don't leave a concert with a small crush on at least one of the musicians, it wasn't a good enough concert."

I've wondered if this is a specific type of attraction, but ultimately, I believe it's just a trait I find attractive, and the type of attraction I'm experiencing still falls under one of the other categories. Every category, in fact, comes with certain traits that tend to attract me to people in that particular way.

Similarly, being attracted to people with certain physical traits, like brown eyes, clearly falls under a different type of attraction (the first one on my list) and is not an attraction type of its own. Some people might think these examples are very different from each other, and again, that's totally fine; but this is how I view it.

I'll also have a great example of the difference between what makes me attracted to someone, and how I'm attracted to them under category #4, but I won't spoil it by mentioning it before we get there.

How Do You Know Which Type of Attraction It Is?

I would say that the way I determine what type of attraction I'm feeling is by thinking about what the ultimate 'goal' of my attraction is; the type of relationship I'm picturing myself having with them and what sort of activities I'd like to do with them. If it's anything more than talking and hanging out, then the attraction is non-platonic and falls somewhere on this list.

Of course by 'ultimate goal' I mean the one in your perfect fantasy. This shouldn't need to be said, but if somebody isn't interested in you, leave them alone. If they don't consent to something, move on. We never -- and shouldn't -- have full control over what happens between us and another person. But in a perfect world where they reciprocate whatever feelings you have, want exactly the same things, and all your desires come to fruition... what would those desires be? How do you want things to turn out? Imagine yourself as an author; what climax or conclusion would you write to the story?

There can be multiple answers, as well, because multiple different types of attraction can be had for the same person, or one type of attraction can develop into another even if you don't have them all at first.

The ultimate goal of sexual attraction tends to be, of course, to have sex with them. That's something I never experience.

But each type of attraction I do experience comes with a unique goal of its own, and I'll discuss that more within each of the categories on my list.

The common saying in the asexual community is "attraction doesn't equal action." You can have sex with someone despite not being attracted to them; or you can be sexually attracted to someone but not want to have sex for any other reason. The same applies to every other type of attraction: just because you feel it doesn't mean you can, should, or want to act on it. But framing it as 'the goal of my attraction' -- not what I plan to do, but what my attraction is telling me to do -- allows me to differentiate.

Now without any further ado, let's get into the list.

1. Aesthetic

Aesthetic attraction, a type of appearance-based physical attraction, is what trips up a lot of people who are asexual and don't know it yet. When you've never experienced actual sexual attraction in the way that allosexual people do, it's very easy to assume that this is what they're talking about. You might have always assumed that the importance of sex and the strength of attraction was being exaggerated for TV and movies and that nobody actually feels that way in real life, especially about people they're seeing for the first time.

Then when you hear allos actually describe what sexual attraction feels like to them, you realize there's some kind of disconnect between what they experience and what you experience; and until you realize there are multiple different types of attraction, you can't really understand why. Since most people tend to lump all forms of attraction into one, being attracted to the way somebody looks is usually considered sexual attraction, or simply 'attraction' -- but when you realize that disconnect and try to explore the reasons for it, aesthetic attraction is one of the first things that come to light.

To put it simply, this type of attraction just means that you like the way someone looks. While this might mean slightly different things to different people, I like to think of it as simply thinking someone is hot. Which, despite the usual connotations, is absolutely something you can think about people without having sexual attraction.

A common way of describing aesthetic attraction is that it's like looking at something beautiful like a painting or a sunset. I have mixed feelings about this description because to me it feels a little too... platonic. Or maybe a better word would be generic or mundane? I've definitely seen some great paintings and some gorgeous sunsets -- I live in Arizona, after all -- but I've also seen plenty that don't really spark my interest. Not all paintings and sunsets are breathtakingly beautiful to me; some are just... there. When I'm aesthetically attracted to a specific person, it's so much more special and unique, something that isn't an everyday occurrence, but an experience that stands out to me. A person who stands out to me. So comparing them to something I see on a regular basis just isn't strong enough for me; that's what I mean when I say that it feels too platonic. And while it's very possible to acknowledge that someone is beautiful in a platonic way as well, I personally don't consider that 'attraction.'

I also began looking for a better way of describing it due to what I'm starting to feel is a near-constant removal of grown-up feelings from conversations about asexual people and relationships. While an ace person's feelings for a partner or crush might be more 'innocent' (i.e. less raunchy) than most people's, and can certainly be very sweet and pure, the ways that some people speak about asexuality begin to feel infantalizing.

I might be asexual, but I'm a very passionate person. Do I feel passion for somebody immediately upon being aesthetically attracted to them? Of course not, at least not based on that alone. If I did, I think that would cross the line from aesthetic into sexual attraction or something else. I typically only feel passionately about people I have legitimate feelings for, which is something that comes much later than the initial attraction to their looks.

Still, the complete removal of anything even bordering on feelings of 'sexiness' feels like some kind of implication that aces are... childlike? Asexual adults are just that: adults who are capable of adult relationships and feelings. Likening attraction to something as sterile and inanimate as a painting feels like an intentional removal of any 'adult' language as well as of the raw magnetism that even non-sexual attractions can have.

There's a phrase I've heard people use to describe sexual attraction, where the rest of the world is in black and white, but this one person is in full color. That more or less applies to aesthetic attraction for me as well, and I find it a much better analogy; but if we don't want to use the same analogy because the two types of attraction should be better separated, then maybe aesthetic attraction is like a photograph with a background-blur filter instead. Maybe everything is still in black and white, but everybody else you see is blurry and blends together in the background, while the object of your attraction is clear and sharp and in high-resolution.

Some asexuals do shy away from using the words 'hot' or 'sexy' to describe somebody, but clearly I'm not one of them; I use those words all the time. I'm a little less prone to using "sexy" due to the connotation of sexual attraction, which is probably why I tend to use it more for things rather than people, like clothing, fragrance, music, or even cars. But I will use 'hot' to describe people frequently. Just because I don't want to get naked with someone doesn't mean I don't think they're hot. I appreciate hot people and I love looking at them.

I consider 'hot' to be a compliment that's perfectly appropriate for people with aesthetic attraction to use. And one of the most freeing things about coming out as biromantic was being able to openly say that I find multiple genders hot. Men are hot. Women are hot. Non-binary people can be hot, whether they're androgynous or have a more gendered expression. But I'm still asexual.

For me, aesthetic attraction can be split into two categories. One can exist on its own but there are limits to how strong the attraction can be without the second one; while the other probably needs the first one to hold it up but it does make the attraction ten times stronger.

The first one is simply finding a person good-looking. Strip away all the trappings of personal style like clothes and modifications, and their default design is attractive. This can mean facial features and body type, as well as things like hair color, complexion, eye color, etc. I know these people can still be attractive in even the most basic of clothing, because I've seen many of them in scrubs and work uniforms and still felt attracted to them to some degree. One of the most beautiful human beings I've ever seen in my life was a nurse I'd only seen in scrubs.

The second is the way they're dressed and styled. Style is something really important to me, more than it is to most, and it 100% plays a role in my attraction. My own fashion sense is a big part of who I am as a person, and I'm attracted to people with a keen sense of style as well. If I find a person's base appearance unattractive, their style isn't usually enough to make up for it; however, every attractive person becomes ten times more attractive if they're dressed well. This includes not only clothes and accessories, but also things like hairstyle, makeup, facial hair, tattoos and piercings. As someone whose style is on the gothic/alternative side, I'm obviously more interested in people who share this style. Again, it's not necessary, as people can still be attractive to me even when they're dressed down for work, but someone's hotness level instantly improves when their fashion aesthetic meets my preferences.

I know it's really strange, but I do sometimes find clothing more attractive than people, in a way. I remember sending my friend a picture of a man's jacket from some gothic clothing store and saying, "This jacket is sexy and there's not even a person in it." My most asexual trait might be the fact that I think people, generally, look a lot better with their clothes on. I am far more attracted to a stylish person than a naked one.

However, a certain body type is what makes the clothing fall in an attractive way, and a nice face must accompany it for the full effect. When somebody has the full package of beauty, physique, and style, that's when my aesthetic attraction alarms really start going off.

While I was in the middle of writing this post, a friend coincidentally brought up a scene in a movie that's actually a good example of how fashion can make me attracted to someone I'm usually not. In Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, they for some reason included a scene where the character Rey envisions herself on the dark side and has to briefly fight herself. Although I think Daisy Ridley is beautiful in general, I'm not personally attracted to her, normally. When she put on that goth-esque 'dark side' costume, though... different story. I still think this scene was unnecessary, but she looked gorgeous in it.

When it comes to what the 'goal' of my attraction is, as I discussed earlier in the intro, it can definitely vary a lot when it's only aesthetic. In the case of someone like a musician or performer, the goal could merely be to enjoy looking at them for an hour and then going separate ways without even speaking. In a more casual and realistic scenario, like seeing a stranger in public, it could be to get to know them and see if they're as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. After a relationship is established and other forms of attraction have potentially developed, then it could be to see them in a variety of outfits, take a lot of photos of them, be seen in public together, or simply to have the privilege of looking at them for the rest of your life.

When it's only aesthetic attraction, it's a little harder to pinpoint what the goal is, because all of them would be solely appearance-based. Aesthetic attraction probably works best when it's combined with other forms of attraction, such as romantic; you can't really have a relationship based on nothing but appearance. But it does exist on its own as well, and while it might not be the foundation of a healthy relationship, it doesn't have to be -- when the object of your attraction is a celebrity, a touring performer, someone you follow on social media, etc., it can be fun to just enjoy it for what it is with no expectation of a relationship or even an interaction.

For me, having sex with them is never the goal, and that's how I finally realized, in my late 20's, that I was asexual.

2. Romantic

The 'goal' of romantic attraction seems more obvious: to do romantic activities with them.

This can of course vary a lot from person to person, and can also change as your feelings for someone deepen and the relationship becomes more long-term. It can start out with a goal of a date, a kiss, or at first just getting to know someone to determine compatibility -- even just a phone number exchange. Eventually the goal can become more 'serious' -- something akin to marriage or spending your lives together. There are plenty of things in between as well, such as doing 'couple' activities together, holding hands while you walk down the street, cuddling together in bed, etc. The ultimate goal of romantic attraction is typically just... romance.

For me, I think the most common goals -- when I'm at a stage of attraction where it feels appropriate -- are cute couple dates, cuddling or spooning, holding hands, and kissing.

And these goals don't really go away as I become more serious about a person. They might be joined by longer-term goals, but as long as the romantic attraction remains, I'll still have the desire to do those things.

While demiromantic is definitely a thing -- people who, like demisexuals, are unable to form a true attraction until an emotional bond has been formed -- I would say that romantic attraction, for most of us, can happen instantaneously when meeting someone. It can be sparked by aesthetic attraction (i.e. This person is really pretty, I wonder if we'd be compatible) or because you learned about a personality trait of theirs that you find intriguing (They're so talented or We have similar interests, I'd like to get to know more about them.)

In my opinion, most forms of attraction basically come down to chemistry -- at least for me. I'm not a scientist, so don't hold me to that. But whether the attraction is sexual, romantic, or something else, something in your brain is telling you there's chemistry between the two of you. Even if it's just aesthetic attraction, it's your brain chemistry that makes you find them visually appealing. A lot of human attraction can't really be explained, at least not by myself, because it's literally just our brains doing what brains do.

Someone can be perfect for you on paper, be physically stunning, and even be compatible with you in every way, and still -- no chemistry. Or not the right kind of chemistry. It's unfortunate when that happens, but it's not uncommon. Chemistry, in one form or another, is a requirement of attraction.

This is the only way I can reconcile romantic attraction with somebody I'm meeting for the first time, because otherwise it doesn't make any sense to be into somebody romantically when you know nothing about them. Romantic attraction doesn't automatically mean you'll be interested in them when you do get to know them; it can be fleeting and short-lived when you find out you're incompatible or they do something unattractive (like be mean to a server, say something racist, or vote against your rights).

For me -- and I'm sure this is probably how it works for most people -- as romantic attraction grows, it's more likely to become an actual romantic interest, after I've evaluated the person well enough to feel that I could have a relationship with them. From there, it could eventually develop into love. I consider attraction the first step to all of that -- a spark that could be fleeting or could grow into something more, depending how much attention I give it, how often I see that person, additional information I learn about them, etc.

But even though it's possible at the first meeting, I do have a tendency to develop romantic attraction for people I've known a little longer. Unfortunately, a lot of times, this means a coworker, as they're often the people I spend the most time with. And usually this begins with denial, but eventually bubbles over and can't be denied anymore.

Another pattern I tend to have is that I realize my romantic attraction to someone after I have a dream about them. I guess this is probably just because I'm really good at the denial stage, until my subconscious forces me to address it. I can't even tell you how many times this has happened. I'll be minding my own business, and while I'm asleep, my subconscious decides it's time to make me admit my feelings for someone. I'll have a romantic dream about them (often ending in a kiss) and then I can't stop thinking about it when I wake up. I think about them differently from then on, and am forced to admit I'm attracted to them.

I've also had similar dreams where I woke up and couldn't stop laughing because the thought of being romantic with that person was ridiculous. And that's how I know if I'm actually interested in someone or not. The dream shows me my real feelings for someone by giving me a romantic scenario with them and seeing how I react to it -- was it enjoyable or laughable?

Romantic attraction works best, at least in my opinion, when combined with aesthetic attraction, or other types of physical attraction (like #3 on my list, or sexual attraction if that's something you experience). Like most people, I do want to have a partner that I find beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. But romantic attraction can also exist independently. It isn't ideal when it happens on its own, because it can be complicated and awkward to be romantically attracted to someone you don't find physically attractive -- especially if you're in a serious relationship with them -- but it happens, and has happened to me.

Basically, romantic attraction is a crush, or a type of crush (I can have aesthetic ones without the romantic aspect as well). But these crushes can vary greatly in intensity, anywhere from a celebrity crush that I don't see any chance of actually having a relationship with, to someone I have strong feelings for and can picture myself being with long-term.

Regarding the celebrity crush scenario: yes, I do think it's possible to have romantic attraction to them if they let enough of their personality show on social media or if I've met them in person. This doesn't mean I have any expectation of ever actually being with them, though. I think the word 'romantic' makes it sound a lot more serious, but attraction doesn't have to mean a legitimate interest in someone. Sometimes it's literally just a pull toward that person.

If you asked me what makes me romantically attracted to someone, I could list several personality traits that I find attractive, but most of the time, it's really just vibes. I'm attracted to vibes.

3. Sensual

While aesthetic attraction is what confused me the most prior to realizing I was ace, sensual attraction is the one that made me struggle the most after coming out. It's the easiest to confuse for sexual attraction, which has caused me to question my orientation even after I began to feel confident in it, asking myself "Am I actually asexual?" more than once. For a while I felt as though I should start identifying as grey-ace, and sometimes I still feel that way. Even as far as I've come now, I still occasionally wonder if grey-bisexual would be a more appropriate label for me than biromantic asexual. But as I've written on this blog in the past, labels are here to make us feel less alone, not to complicate the way we view ourselves, so sometimes it really isn't that deep. I know that I'm bi, and I know that I'm ace, and that's all that matters.

Still, despite the fact that sensual attraction can so easily be confused for sexual, I really think the former is all I've truly felt. When I began to explore the idea of sensual attraction more -- learning in the process that it is indeed its own thing and that I'm not alone in feeling it -- I felt a lot more comfortable in my ace identity again. I really don't think I've ever experienced sexual attraction the way allos do, but the line between them can feel really blurry when you're having a strong sensual attraction for someone.

The two can be so easily conflated that next week I'll be writing an entire separate entry on how to tell them apart. So I'll save a lot of what I have to say for that post -- and once it's published, I'll edit this to link it here.

This is a type of attraction I've always felt, but in the aftermath of coming out as asexual, I forgot about it for a while -- until I met someone I felt it for again. It isn't something I always experience, and is reserved for only the most special people, so it was easy to forget about it when it wasn't happening. But after I realized I was ace, I took a look back at all my previous crushes, relationships, flings, and encounters, to investigate my own feelings with hindsight and determine what I was actually feeling when I thought I was feeling sexual attraction. Sometimes it was aesthetic, sometimes it was romantic, and sometimes it was sensual -- or a combination of two or more of these.

The goal of sensual attraction is basically wanting to engage with them, intimately, in a way that pertains to my five senses. The strongest for me, and probably most people, is touch. Smell and sound definitely come next, followed by sight. Taste is last for me, but might play a stronger role for other people.

For me, sensual attraction is very much sensual in the truest sense of the word. I mean in a deeply intimate, steamy, romance-novel kind of way. Hence, the confusion about sexual attraction and the difference between the two. But ultimately, as I stated earlier, the goal is never to have sex.

The specific goals of this attraction for me are usually things like making out, touching and caressing, and other activities that some people might consider 'foreplay' -- a word I'm not a big fan of, but it's the best way to describe what I mean here. Goals might also include enjoying a sensual environment with someone else -- setting the mood with things like candlelight, a steamy shower, satin sheets, sexy cologne/perfume or other scents, etc. All of these are things that I can (and do) enjoy by myself, but when it comes to the kind of emotional and physical intimacy that this form of attraction brings, I also want to make them the backdrop for special moments with the object of my affections.

I'll go over this all more next week when I discuss the similarities but also the differences between sensual and sexual attraction in more detail.

This type of attraction generally goes hand-in-hand with romantic attraction for me, especially when my feelings for somebody are strong. Although my attraction isn't sexual, it's based on wanting to be close to someone and have them literally fill my senses: to touch them, smell them, hear their voice, etc.

Of course every type of attraction can be felt in varying degrees, and technically something like being attracted only to someone's voice -- which I experience a lot as a huge fan of both music and ASMR to help me sleep -- is a mild form of sensual attraction, as well as things like being attracted to someone's fragrance or natural scent. But unless those things are strong enough to make me want intimacy with the person, I don't consider it an attraction, just like having one attractive trait isn't enough to make me fully attracted to somebody in any of the other ways.

I used to think that I could only feel sensual attraction to someone I had romantic feelings for. And while that's still probably the case 99% of the time, I learned it isn't 100% earlier this year, when I very uncharacteristically experienced an immediate and briefly intense attraction to someone I had just met. Actually, I technically didn't even meet them at all (and yes, it was a musician). I was confused for a while and thought about it for a couple of weeks, but then I got over it, and honestly, now I don't even see why I felt that way about them in the first place. Which is not meant as an insult to them, by the way. This type of attraction is just an anomaly for me and I don't understand why this particular person was the cause of it. I didn't act on it, or even speak to them, because the person was wearing a wedding ring; and they respectfully kept their distance as well, even though we kept looking at each other all night long. If I were to be around them again, this attraction might reactivate, but luckily for now it's a non-issue.

Despite how surprised I was to have this experience, I still believe it was sensual rather than sexual attraction based on the criteria discussed throughout this article. Still, it was possibly the closest I've ever come to understanding allos and how they can often feel attracted to a total stranger in ways I usually can't.

And while the attraction wasn't romantic in this case, it also wasn't based on appearance. Physically, it was a sensual attraction. Emotionally, it could have fallen under the category of #4 on my list, but I'm not really sure if it qualifies as an emotional attraction at all. Like I said, I really can't explain it, especially considering we technically never even met. I guess it's just as I said earlier: I'm attracted to vibes.

4. Alterous / Queerplatonic

These are often considered two separate types of attraction, but at least in my life they're too similar to be separated. I would consider queerplatonic more of a microlabel that falls under the alterous umbrella, and the word more often comes before words like relationship or partner, defining the actual relationship style more than the attraction itself.

Alterous attraction is defined as emotional attraction that's somewhere in a grey area between platonic and romantic. The word itself is related to the word 'alternative.' It can be difficult to describe or have a lot of variations, with the only real requirement being that it's not entirely platonic or entirely romantic.

Queerplatonic is similar, but more along the lines of a relationship that's not romantic but also doesn't meet the socially-accepted definition of platonic. In other words, a deeper, more emotional, and more committed relationship than what most people would consider a friendship.

Both are words that are not very well-known outside of the asexual and especially aromantic community, as they refer to types of attraction and relationships that people on the aro spectrum tend to have. While people who experience romantic attraction usually tend to default to romantic relationships (especially if both partners are also allosexual), aromantic people seeking companionship sometimes have queerplatonic relationships, or QPR's, instead.

A queerplatonic partner is just that: a partner -- but the relationship may not involve many of the same aspects a romantic relationship would. A QPR could be similar to having a best friend or platonic partner in crime, but there's generally a higher level of commitment involved. Some partners eventually decide to live together, get married, or have children. They're committed to spending their lives together, but in a way that doesn't fit into the typical idea of a marriage or romantic relationship. Sex and romance might be entirely off the table for some; others might agree on a level they're both comfortable with while ruling out specific things. Some may be 'monogamous' and others might be comfortable with their QPP dating other people, particularly if one partner is aromantic and the other is not. It really all depends on what both partners agree on, as each individual relationship will have its own parameters, and the only opinions that matter are those of the people actually in the relationship.

I consider myself grey-romantic. While I can and do feel romantic attraction somewhat regularly and intensely, it doesn't seem to be as frequent as it does for other people; or at the least the desire for a relationship isn't as central to my life as it is for many others.

I've met people who hopped from relationship to relationship, as if being single was unbearable for them. I've seen a lot of relationships that felt forced because the two people involved didn't seem to even like each other that much, but seemed like they were settling because they didn't want to be single. I've never been able to make sense of that.

When I'm single, I tend to experience romantic attraction to somebody around once a year on average, and I've gone years being completely single, without even a situationship or a fling of any kind. So while I am not aromantic, I feel like I must be somewhere on the aro spectrum, albeit closer to the alloromantic side.

But I do have a couple of great examples of this kind of 'grey area' attraction showing up in my life.

The first one happened about four years ago. I met someone on a dating app that I instantly hit it off with. We went on a couple of dates, but agreed they could just be 'friend-dates' at first until we decided if we wanted to make it romantic or not. And at least to me, it definitely felt more like a friendship than a romance. But this was someone I was aesthetically attracted to, someone I trusted, and who was there for me when I needed them. Someone I wanted to remain in my life and be an important part of it, but I wasn't sure I felt any romantic chemistry, and it didn't really feel like dating was the natural next step.

Several months after we met, I knew I needed to figure out what I wanted so I could tell them what I wanted. They weren't pestering me for an answer or anything, but for my own peace of mind, I had to know and wanted to let them know. Until I had an answer, it didn't even feel appropriate for me to touch the other person; there was a moment when we were shopping together and I wanted to get their attention to show them something I'd seen. My first instinct was to gently 'smack' or tap them on the arm, but for some reason I stopped myself before doing it, which I then realized was because I didn't feel right engaging in even that amount of intimacy until I figured out what they meant to me.

So I sat down with myself to have this "What kind of relationship do I see us having?" conversation. I ruminated on it until I eventually had my answer: I viewed them as a queerplatonic partner.

I could see us being life partners, but not really romantically. I could see us holding hands or maybe cuddling, but probably not kissing or anything more sensual. I pictured us being in each other's lives for the long term and integrating into each other's families or polycules (they were polyamorous and had a long-term partner and child). Not being a couple, but also not being 'just friends.' Queerplatonic was the only way I could describe the way I felt about this person and the type of relationship I wanted with them. And when I figured that out, the issue I'd had about touching them went away because I now felt a sense of peace.

Unfortunately, life did what life always does, and removed them the moment I made a decision about them. The circumstances prevented me from exploring or even discussing this with them, because as soon as I came to my decision about what I wanted, they were no longer in my life. Until then, I thought this only happened with romantic interests (I call it The Curse), but apparently it can happen to potential relationships of any kind.

My other example is more or less the perfect description of alterous attraction as I understand it. In fact, I'm not sure I fully understood the idea of alterous attraction until this person came into my life.

Without giving too much away, I will say that I met this person at work, and not only that, but while I was going through a very difficult time at work. In my job, I work very closely with one other person -- and the person I was forced to work with at that time was awful. In fact, their awfulness had just blown up into the worse scenario I could imagine. I was worried I was going to lose my job due to lies they'd decided to tell about me, or at the very least, lose my place on the team I loved and the shift that worked for my schedule. Things I'd worked hard for that would be almost impossible to get back if lost.

In the aftermath of that altercation, I had to work with this other person for one shift. And they were a stark contrast. They had a soothing presence and made me feel safe and respected. I didn't feel the attraction right away, but I felt at ease around them. Over the next several months, although we didn't directly work together again, I would see them around. And eventually I had the dream. Only in this dream, we weren't really being romantic -- just kind of cute and cuddly, but it was so peaceful and intimate in a different way. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was feeling some kind of attraction toward them, but it didn't feel like a romantic one.

Remember earlier when I said I had a great example of the difference between what attracted me to someone, and the kind of attraction I felt (i.e. intellect being attractive vs. being intellectually attracted)?

With this person, I knew what had attracted me -- it was how safe and comfortable I felt with them. But I still had to figure out what kind of attraction I was having. Was it romantic? Was it sensual? It wasn't aesthetic, which is not an insult in any way, they just weren't my type. But it also didn't seem to meet the criteria for any of the other attraction types I commonly feel, so I began to look at that grey area between them again.

Unlike the time I wanted a QPR, I didn't really see anything serious happening with this person, such as being long-term partners or being a huge part of each other's life. I more or less wanted a friend with benefits... but where the benefits didn't include sex. I wanted to cuddle with this person, to hold and be physically close to them. To have them heal the touch-starved part of me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay. And also maybe to make out a little bit. But not in a relationship way. And not really in a sensual or sexual way. Just in an "I'm comfortable with this person and making out is fun" way.

Most aspects of the human experience exist on a spectrum; but somewhere along the way, people became obsessed with binaries instead. The idea that you have be either this or that. Male or female. Gay or straight. Sexual or platonic. But nothing is really that simple. Almost every binary you can think of has at least a 'secret third option' or some kind of grey area in the middle. There's still a lot we don't even understand, and the more we learn, the more we get pushback from people who are dedicated to upholding 'tradition' -- but the pushback is worth it to have that self-awareness and to feel comfortable in our own skin.

Considering the amount of people who have friends-with-benefits relationships, it actually wouldn't surprise me if a lot of people have alterous attractions and just don't realize it because it's buried underneath their sexual attraction. Or people who try to form romantic relationships with people they're friends with, but end up deciding they're better off as friends -- those could also be alterous attractions, existing somewhere beyond platonic but not enough to become fully romantic. There are many scenarios in which the lines might be blurred.

The way I understand it, sexual attraction is kind of the 'end all, be all' for allos, but of course they also experience romantic, sensual, and aesthetic attraction just as I and other aces do; the difference for them is that they usually wrap all of those into one. The wide array of attraction types aren't just things asexuals experience; anyone can have them. We are just the ones who've taken the time to really contemplate them.

So if this is something you've ever wondered about, now you get to reap the benefits of all the contemplation and research I've done since I first came out. I hope it's helpful, or at the very least, made you see a different perspective.

tags: attraction, asexuality, lgbtqia+, relationships