Sensual vs. Sexual Attraction: What's the Difference?
July 21, 2026
In last week's post, I covered the types of attraction I feel as an asexual person, and one of the things I talked about was how I determine what type of attraction I'm experiencing by pinpointing what I called the 'goal' of the attraction. Not necessarily my personal goal or what I actually plan on doing, since not every attraction should be acted on -- but what the attraction is telling me to do. In that entry, I stated that having a strong sensual attraction for someone can be confusing because it feels too close to what I imagine sexual attraction must feel like to allos. And I promised to go over the topic of sensual attraction a bit more and talk about how I differentiate it from sexual, as well as the difference between sensual and sexual in general, whether related to attraction or not. Of course, I'll be keeping it mostly clinical and using terms you might hear in a sex-ed class, but if you're in a place where it's inappropriate to read about this topic, or you simply don't want to see mentions of sex acts... like if you're someone who knows me personally and doesn't want to know certain things about me... it goes without saying that you should probably back out now. As someone who experiences attraction in an unconventional way, it's something I think about frequently in an attempt to better understand myself. Self-discovery is sometimes a very long journey, and one that can continue well after you think you've figured it all out. Just when you think you know everything there is to know about your own orientation, something can surprise you. Generally, I'm pretty fluid when it comes to these little surprises at this point. I take it all in stride and just go with it now, because when all is said and done, labels are far less important than the way you actually feel. If you're suddenly feeling something you've never felt before, it can be confusing, but there's usually no need for it to uproot your entire identity. It took me a while to get here, though. Sensual attraction, for me, is usually the full extent of being attracted to someone. Although I wrote in my last article that I'd recently learned this isn't always the case, it most often happens in combination with romantic and aesthetic attraction, and only with people I have strong romantic feelings for. I more frequently experience the other two without it turning into sensual attraction, but it doesn't work as well the other way around. I think that when I'm romantically attracted to someone, it always has the ability to turn into sensual attraction, but only if it lasts long enough for me to get there. A romantic interest that is too fleeting or doomed not to go anywhere usually won't become sensual because I need time to get to know someone, in most cases. This kind of attraction is almost like a culmination of 'lesser' kinds; the result of everything coming together. When I'm into somebody's personality, character traits, appearance, and everything else about them as a person -- it puts me into this state of attraction that is one step away from being sexual but doesn't cross that line. As I've shared previously, after I came to terms with being on the ace spectrum, I began to look back on all my previous attractions and question if they had been sexual ones or not. I heard a creator who makes content about being bisexual (Capri Campaeu) refer to this as "memory walking," which is a term I'm definitely keeping in my repertoire from now on; while she used it in a bisexual context (exploring past relationships through a new lens after coming out as bi), it works perfectly in the ace context too. So during my memory walking, I reevaluated all of my past crushes, partners, and attractions, and asked myself if I felt like I'd ever actually been sexually attracted to them. Most of them were a resounding 'no' once I began comparing the different types of attraction I'd recently been learning about -- but those were still limited at that time, and have now expanded. So while I realized that most of them didn't fall into that category, I also came up with at least a couple of people that I felt I might have been sexually attracted to in the past, because I didn't have another explanation. Now that I have even more knowledge of attraction types, however, I feel pretty confident saying that those people were ones I was sensually attracted to rather than sexually. Everything makes a lot more sense now that I realize that. I can now say there have been several people I've felt that way about, and I'm comfortable with the idea that there will be more in the future. Like I said a few paragraphs ago, I think any romantic interest I have has the potential to turn into sensual attraction as long as it's given enough time for that flame to be fanned. At the same time, I also feel -- overall -- more confident in my asexuality than ever before. I occasionally still have moments where I wonder if the intensity of the attraction I'm feeling actually qualifies me as grey-ace or demisexual. I really don't think that's the case, though. (And even if it is, both are still on the asexual spectrum.) So what exactly does sensual attraction mean to me? I went over it a little bit last time, but want to go into more detail as well. As the name implies, it's an attraction that has to do with our five senses. For me, and probably most people, it's most centered on the sense of touch. If you look up the word sensual or sensuality, you'll find definitions that include the word sexual, but make it clear it isn't limited to that:Probably the most important to me aside from touch. In fact, outside of the realm of romance and intimacy, I would say sound is the most important sense category to me. I have strong feelings about music and sound in general, with both positive and negative associations. You could say that I'm a sound snob. For whatever reason, I absolutely cannot stand listening to disembodied voices -- radio talk shows and podcasts where I can't see the people talking are a bit like torture to me, and it's been that way ever since I was a teenager listening to the radio regularly. Loud, tedious noises (repetitive or droning) like alarms, vacuums, static, wind, etc. are also among the most annoying to me. Unpleasant music (to me), especially modern country music, can make me want to crawl out of my skin. On the other hand, good music is to me what good sex is to most allos, if they're to be believed when they talk about it being the best feeling ever (something that I still find hard to believe they aren't exaggerating). In addition to other instruments, I'm a big fan of the human voice and what it can do musically, and listening to certain singers' voices is really indescribable, but the best simile I can come up with right now is that it's like eating the most decadent dessert -- perhaps a chocolate souffle or a rich cheesecake or tiramisu with layers of delicious cake and cream. As someone with insomnia, I rely on ASMR to help me sleep, with both whispered voices and gentle sounds helping relax me. The sounds I'm hearing are a huge environmental factor that can influence my mood. So it makes sense that it would translate into my romantic life, as well. People's voices are not just for singing and whispered ASMR videos; a pleasant everyday speaking voice is also something that's attractive to me. Though I can definitely find people with annoying voices attractive in other ways (hello Fran Drescher), it would be a big disappointment to me if I had a romantic partner whose voice I found unpleasant. It would be almost as big a deal as it would be for an allo who didn't find their partner sexually attractive. Voices are one thing I definitely still love about men -- just not the ones who can't (or won't) control their volume, who are always yelling, or who think that being loud makes them correct or makes them dominant. That's not attractive at all. But if I were to list all of my favorite singers, most would probably be baritones. Baritones with a smooth, clear voice that would be at home in musical theatre, if it doesn't already live there. Although I do prefer male voices when it comes to singing and have mostly men on my list of favorite vocalists, it's the exact opposite when I listen to ASMR, where I prefer female voices to sooth me to sleep. I have some male ASMR creators I listen to now, but it took me a while to become used to their voices enough to fall asleep, almost as if my brain didn't register it as a safe voice until I trained it to. And I must point out that my preference for male voices otherwise is simply because I love a deeper (but not too deep) voice. This is more common in men, but is not exclusive to them! I love a woman with a nice sultry alto or contralto! I went on YouTube Music to choose a song I could link here as an example, but I got severely sidetracked so I'm afraid I must stay away from there while I'm writing. An example many people already know, which I just found out is actually sung by an AFAB non-binary actor (but a female character), is the Disney song "Surface Pressure" from Encanto. While it isn't the best song I could have chosen musically, Jessica Darrow -- who is apparently so cute in real life, by the way -- has a strong alto voice and I love that they were able to showcase it on such a famous song because their voice type is definitely under-represented. In addition to the tone and color of someone's voice, a pleasant accent can also make someone more (or less) attractive. One of the major reasons I hate country music so much is the voices and accents that all of the singers tend to have. Meanwhile, I love listening to most non-native English speakers who have accents. One of my "bi awakenings" was actually a saleswoman with a lovely voice and accent who demoed some skincare on me at the mall when I was a little younger, which was very much a real-life ASMR experience, though I didn't realize it at the time. She kept calling me "My love" as she pampered me, and it had an effect on me that I wasn't able to admit until years later when I came out as biromantic. Now that I think about it, that woman, who was actually able to successfully seduce me into buying her skincare products despite my not really wanting them, is actually the perfect example of having a mild sensual attraction to someone in the wild. By mild, I mean that I didn't actually desire a sensual relationship with her, but I obviously felt a spark of attraction. Enough that I still remember her several years later. And I never even used the skincare products. Vocal/auditory attraction isn't recognized as its own form of attraction, and overall, I would consider someone's voice or accent to be one of the traits that attract me rather than the way I'm attracted to them, as I went over in my last post. But it's definitely something that can be strong for me, especially when it's someone I already have feelings for.
I love a sexy cologne or perfume. I tend to like 'masculine' scents the most, regardless of who is wearing them. I hate gender roles and how strongly we've associated certain scents, colors, drinks, etc. with either men or women. I understand the classification of scents as masculine or feminine, but don't think they should be limited to one gender because of their classification. I tend to wear masculine scents myself, as well as enjoying them on men, masc lesbians, non-binary people, and anyone else who wants to wear them. I do sometimes like 'feminine' scents as well, as long as they aren't too sweet. Sometimes a person's natural scent can be appealing, too, but making the effort to put on a fragrance is an attractive attribute to me, and the more appealing the scent is, the more appealing the person can become. Breathing in a person's scent or catching whiffs of them during physical closeness can be a sensual experience. At least once, I've had a sensual dream about a love interest in which I leaned into them to smell their cologne. It isn't enough to make me attracted to someone I wouldn't be otherwise (in most cases), but just like with voices, it definitely helps.
Obviously, sight is more important to aesthetic attraction, but can definitely play a roll in sensual attraction as well, usually manifesting in the form of mood lighting (such as candlelight), seeing a partner in something special like lingerie, leather, etc.
This is the least important for me, but to others could be a bigger thing. It isn't something I entirely disregard, though; there have been times when it played a role in attraction for me. Particularly after I had parted ways with someone and realized I missed the way they used to taste when I would kiss them. It can also be tied into smell, because in that instance, they tasted similar to how they smelled, and after we had gone our separate ways, I sometimes got a whiff of something that smelled like them and also reminded me of their taste.
This will often come in the form of wanting to touch someone in an intimate way, feel their skin against yours, feel their hands on your body, their lips, etc. This can include things like kissing (on the mouth or other body parts), caressing, massaging, holding someone close, running fingers through hair, and various other things, some more intimate than others. Some of these things can of course be platonic as well, depending on the context of the situation -- such as getting a massage from a professional -- but are often enjoyed by people engaged in romantic activities. In my opinion, enjoying the sense of touch can also include temperature-related things. Someone's hot breath against your neck, the steam of a hot shower, etc. It can also include sex acts, but it doesn't have to. The sensual parts of sex and 'foreplay' can be enjoyed separately and by themselves. This does often create an expectation, for most allosexual people, that the situation will escalate; so if one partner is sexual and one is only sensual, it can be difficult to get both partners on the same page regarding what happens next. I know it's difficult for allos to understand, but just because I want to be intimate in a sensual way doesn't mean I want to have sex... which sometimes causes me to avoid being sensual with people I actually want to be sensual with, just so I don't have to deal with their disappointment when I don't want to go further (or be pressured to do more than I want). Which, to be honest, is the same reason I often avoid dating in general. There are a few different reasons I don't like the word foreplay, and what I described above is one of them. It creates this expectation that all of those acts are the precursor to a main event -- and we all know what the main event is in most people's heads. As someone who isn't really into that event, I really wish our society, and what they consider intimacy, wasn't so focused on it. I'd love to just be able to enjoy the things I do like without my partner having the expectation that we have to end the session by doing the thing I'm not fond of. There is a creator known as Horrible Mean Bad Woman (first name Sarah) who has talked about the negative aspects of the word foreplay and encouraged her viewers to remove it from their vocabulary. And honestly, she has really influenced me to try to stop using it except when it's necessary to get my point across to others, as I'm doing in this article. It is unfortunately the word most people understand, but usually, I'll refer to those acts as "what most people would consider foreplay" rather than directly calling them foreplay. This isn't just something affecting the asexual community, as Sarah's videos have focused on the fact that there plenty of heterosexual women who actually enjoy those acts more than the 'final act' of intercourse. And not only do they not enjoy the final act as much as men do, but it's also the most dangerous and risky act for them. She also makes a great point about how 'coincidental' it is that the one act carrying the most risk of pregnancy for women, during a time when abortion is being criminalized in many places, is the same act that men view as mandatory to their pleasure. In addition to that, the lines between 'foreplay' and 'sex' can be very different when it comes to couples who are LGBTQIA+ in some way. Same-gender couples, as well as individuals who are trans and non-binary, often have different criteria for what qualifies as 'having sex' to them, so the word foreplay is inherently a very heteronormative concept. So overall, I think removing this word from our collective vocabulary is a great idea, and something I hope we eventually make progress with. There are many women and queer people -- including but not limited to asexuals -- who would benefit from it. However, I don't currently have a better word to use in its place, so it does become necessary to reference the word when discussing this topic, even if I'd rather eliminate its use from my personal life. The line between 'foreplay' and 'sex' can be in a different place for different people, especially when diversity of gender and orientation come into play. Just like we shouldn't limit the category of 'sex' to only penile/vaginal intercourse, we also shouldn't try to draw a definitive line between it and sensuality. So where exactly do I draw the line, especially as a woman who's interested in other AFAB people (i.e. someone who might have a relationship where no penis is involved)? I would say that my criteria for 'having sex' would be one or more of the following: Anything done with the intention of climaxing, especially if the intention is for both (or all) partners to climax. Genital-to-genital contact. Mouth-to-genital contact. Penetration by a partner (whether the penetrating part is biological or store-bought). Anything that could lead to pregnancy if the people involved had the biology and ability to procreate with each other. There are also some things I consider sensual that might be on the other side of the line for somebody else, and vice versa. I came across a video on this topic where it was mentioned that even when two people are involved in an intimate scenario or engaging in kink together, each of them might view it differently. One could see the acts as sexual and the other as only sensual, because everyone draws their own personal line. I think the example they used was rope bondage, saying that tying someone up or being tied up might be only a sensual experience for one partner while it's a sexual experience for the other. This applies to a lot of other scenarios as well, in the realms of both kink and romance. The other example used was kissing and how differently it can be viewed by different people. Maybe we should view it as less of a 'line' and more of a wide, overlapping area. Technically I think we could say that everything sexual also counts as sensual because it involves touching and being touched, but in my personal definition, sensual means slower and more passionate, so something like a five-minute 'quickie' doesn't count. I view it more as a Venn diagram where the circles of sensual and sexual have a lot of overlap, but each also has its own area that doesn't overlap with the other. Even with this in mind, though, the overlapping grey area is still different for everybody. I guess for me, the overlap begins at the place where acts become more about a singular gratification (climax) than about sharing intimacy and enjoying it for what it is. When it begins to feel like more like hedonism than closeness and human connection. Sensual attraction is a personal and intimate form of attraction to me. Apparently I do have exceptions as already addressed, but overall, it's not something I really experience for people I don't know well. While I don't want to have too many bulky labels attached to me, I think you could technically say that I'm mostly demi-sensual because it's the mental and emotional connection that makes me want to be sensual with somebody. Their personality is what sparks a feeling of chemistry and excitement in me. There's an old song that includes the lyric "When this girl looks at me, it just sets my soul aflame." That's kind of what sensual attraction is like for me. While it might be my body that becomes aroused during sensual activities, it's actually my soul that is being set aflame by the closeness of someone I'm into. This same sort of passion and chemistry is what I assume allo people feel when they experience sexual attraction, but as we've been discussing the past couple of weeks, the major difference is what your desired outcome or 'goal of attraction' is. In either scenario, it's often described as a feeling of electricity between two people, or feeling a spark when you touch -- and I definitely co-sign this, as I have felt that electricity myself. But does that spark make you want to have sex with them? If not, you might be experiencing sensual attraction and not sexual. If you're allo, the two might usually (or always) go together, but because they are actually separate things, we aces are able to feel the former without the latter. Another really good way to tell the difference between sensual and sexual is to apply it to things other than attraction. I enjoy sensuality as a part of my daily life, and I think this makes it easier for me to differentiate between the two. All five senses can help create a sensual environment around you, whether you're with a partner or not. For example, I like to take steamy candlelit showers and play atmospheric music. I like to wear things, in my otherwise-empty apartment, that make me feel sexy. I try to keep my toenails painted at all times for this reason, even if there's no one around to see them and they get covered up when I leave home. I like soft, plush blankets and robes, rose-scented satin sheets, and wax melts that smell like cologne as the warmer casts a warm glow onto the walls. Even enjoying a glass of sparkling cider (wine or champagne if you drink them), or eating certain desserts like chocolate-covered strawberries, can feel like a sensual act. These are things that anyone can do, no partner necessary, because they make them feel relaxed, pampered, sexy, etc. You can also use toys or manually perform sex acts on yourself; but this is a very different thing from everything I described above. And while the two can be combined, they don't need to be. Of course, as I frequently try to reinforce, "attraction doesn't equal action." But I do think using these actions as an example is a good way of understanding the difference between sexual and sensual, which can then be applied to attraction as well. Speaking of the difference between attraction and action... I briefly mentioned being physically aroused up above, which might be another thing that confuses people when it comes to the topic of asexuality. Since we've already gone over attraction and action a little bit, now let's add arousal and libido to the conversation. There's a surprisingly large number of people who conflate all of these things, but each is a separate aspect of one's sexuality, and where a person falls in one category can be wildly different from where they are in another. Sex drive or libido is a biological drive to have sex. Arousal is a physical response to things like being touched or kissed, or even watching porn or reading erotica, and is basically the body's way of preparing itself for sexual activity (lubrication, erection, relaxing of pelvic muscles, etc.) All of these are things asexuals can experience despite not having attraction -- our bodies still function the same way everyone else's do -- though allos are likely to experience them far more often due to the increased importance of sex in their lives. Personally, I really don't have a sex drive. I know this sounds crazy to some people, but it's true -- and I'm genuinely thrilled about it. I hear other people talking about how they 'need' to have sex or can't go more than a few days without it, and I think that sounds downright awful. Sex is something I can choose to do if I want to, but it's never a need for me. Many asexuals do have a sex drive, so this is just a 'me' thing. Often, though, it seems like they view it as a nuisance. Despite not having attraction or placing any importance on sex, they might still have that biological drive telling them they need to do it. Some even have really high libidos. People, both ace and allo, often describe this as an itch that needs scratching. I consider myself very lucky that I don't have this 'itch.' I can't imagine having an internal drive telling me that I need to have sex. To be perfectly honest, that sounds like a nightmare. My body has enough needs as it is, and I'm very grateful to have somehow eliminated/escaped this one. I know a lot of people want to increase their sex drive, but that's something I can't understand because it just sounds like a terrible inconvenience to me. If I could eliminate the biological need to do things like sleeping and eating, I would absolutely do that too. And by the way, no, this is not any kind of medical condition. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is a real thing, but part of the diagnostic criteria is that the patient's low sex drive causes them distress. I have zero distress related to this, so therefore, no need to seek any kind of 'help' for it. Having little or no sex drive can be totally normal and natural -- even if uncommon -- because everybody's is different. I've never had this drive and have no concerns whatsoever about it. I do experience arousal. When I'm with someone who turns me on mentally, someone I care about, and we're being intimate or sensual (kissing, touching each other, etc.), arousal is definitely a part of my attraction. However, what seems to set me apart from most people is that I don't feel any need to 'follow through' with it by having sex. As I've been saying all throughout the past two chapters of this series, it's all about the goal of attraction for me. I enjoy the feeling of being aroused, so doing things that get me there can be part of the goal. But that's kind of where my interest ends. I hear some people say that their arousal won't go away until they 'take care of it' but that isn't a problem for me. There's no need for me to wrap things up with an orgasm. The equivalent of 'blue balls' could never be a thing for me. My arousal will fade on its own when I stop giving it attention. Which is lucky for me because it also means I rarely if ever have unwanted or inconveniently-timed arousal; I have to actively feed it for it to exist and grow. To be fair, I have allowed this to happen a couple of times, like during boring work-related classes when I found it more interesting to fantasize about my love interest instead of paying attention to the instructor (sometimes I'm not that different from allos). But it never happens unbidden, only when I allow it. When I've written about my asexuality before, I mentioned the favorability scale, which is used to determine an asexual person's level of comfort with sexual activity. On one end, there's sex-repulsed, meaning someone is repulsed by the idea of sex and wants no part in it. On the other end, sex-favorable, meaning somebody enjoys and actively wants to have sex despite their lack of attraction. In the middle, there's the category of sex-indifferent, and the oft-forgotten sex-averse, which is where I typically fall. I do fluctuate back and forth on this scale depending on my level of interest in someone. If I like you enough to be sensually attracted, then I'm definitely more willing to engage in sexual activity, even if I never become fully attracted to you in that way. However, I would still rather avoid it, especially because I feel like it's unfair to everyone involved for me to be so thoroughly uninterested in the act while it's occurring. But I can't really make myself feel interested in it, either -- even when I'm really into somebody sensually and romantically, I still feel very 'meh' about sex. This could technically qualify me as sex-indifferent, but I use averse because my lack of interest makes me want to avoid it. I often compare sex to hobbies that a partner might have. Ones I don't share and might be willing to participate in from time to time just to make them happy, but don't want to participate in all the time, because then I'll just spend most of my life bored or dreading being around my partner because I know they'll want to engage in that hobby. Hobbies that some of my real-life friends have that would fall into this category include: skateboarding, coin collecting, football, clubbing, etc. If I were expected to participate in these hobbies every time I saw my friends, I would lose interest in hanging out with them. Sex is like that for me, too. It's something I might choose to participate in for a partner's enjoyment, but it's not something I'm interested in for my personal gain. I might watch your favorite show with you once in a while because it makes you happy, but I don't want to watch it every night when I don't even like the show. Sometimes I just want to do things that I enjoy too. My ideal relationship would be one where we are intimately sensual on a regular basis, but my partner is happy with it just ending there, or with only going 'farther' no more than once a month. And yes, I absolutely do understand how uncommon my stance is, so if you're thinking to yourself that I'm never going to find a relationship like that -- I agree with you. I'm not delusional enough to think I'm actually going to find my ideal relationship, but the hopeless romantic in me secretly hopes I'll be pleasantly surprised someday. In the meantime, more casual, short-term relationships and flings might require a lot of communication and understanding, but when you find someone with the right chemistry -- even if they don't have the same goals -- it can be worth it to experiment.