Addressing the Bisexual Elephant in the Room

July 29, 2026

If you're not a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, or just don't pay that much attention, you might not even be aware of this; but for whatever reason, bisexuals are one group of people that really get an abnormal amount of hatred from every side. It's possible the only orientation that doesn't often hate on bisexuals is the other one that is constantly erased and misunderstood: asexuals (lucky me, being a part of both groups).

Straight people view bisexuals as indecisive, incapable of monogamy or more likely to cheat, and in some cases, 'dirty' for having a history with the same sex. Gay people often view them as 'impure' if they've been in straight-presenting relationships, or 'not actually queer' if they're currently in one. Even some pansexual people view those who choose the bi label over pan as inherently transphobic, even though there is no actual evidence to support that.

Now, this is not to say everyone in those other groups hates bi people. This should go without saying, but in the hyper-reactive environment of the internet, it must be said. This post is largely about bisexuals being painted with a broad brush, stereotyped, or assumed to be something negative based solely on their orientation, which is something I'm against when it comes to every group. So nothing that I say in this article is meant to do the same to other orientations, such as lesbians, gay men, or anyone else. There are amazing people in all of these groups; in fact, I would say the majority are great people who understand the meaning of solidarity and do not engage in biphobia. But within each group, there's also the minority that do, and those are the people I'm referring to when I talk about it. So please, let's avoid the not-all-men type of comments.

At best, people under the bi umbrella continuously experience erasure. Even during one of my writing breaks for this very post, I was scrolling social media and came across a (completely unrelated, by the way) comment section where multiple people implied that a man who used to have a boyfriend and now has a girlfriend "stopped being gay." Another comment I very recently saw was about a bi or pan woman with a wife, saying that "she used to be attracted to men, but now that she's married to a woman, her former attraction to men is dead and buried."

Sorry, but that's just not how it works. Choosing a partner is not the same as choosing to be attracted to only that one gender. In fact, attraction cannot be chosen in the first place.

I cannot believe it's 2026 and we still have to explain to people that bisexuality exists.

This final chapter is a bit different from the rest of my attraction series, but stems from the same conversation. It didn't feel right to talk about the split attraction model and the types of attraction I feel without addressing the frankly ridiculous treatment of a particular group of people because of the attraction they experience.

The past few Pride seasons, the levels of biphobia have been particularly bad coming from other LGBTQIA+ groups, especially in certain areas of social media. There's also a strong campaign to pit lesbians and bi women, specifically, against each other. I know some of this has to do with the way algorithms work -- accidentally click one thing and the algorithm will think you're interested in more -- but I could hardly even open the Threads app the past few years around May and June without being subjected to the ridiculous discourse, no matter how much I tried to tweak the algorithm to avoid it.

This behavior tends to mostly be online, and not something I've witnessed in real-life before, but there are bound to be some instances of it happening to people in person as well.

However, the overwhelming majority of it being online, and on certain apps, does make me wonder if it's largely a psy-op from homophobic and misogynistic groups to make queer people, especially queer women, fight with each other instead of banding together against things that are more important. I'll talk more about the casual misogyny involved and the way bi+ people of different genders experience different types of biphobia further down this page.

Much of what I write in this article will apply to anyone under the bi umbrella. As an asexual person, I identify as biromantic. At the very most I would be considered grey-ace, and if choosing to use that label instead, then I would use the term in conjunction with bisexual; but even in the absence of sexual attraction, I experience strong aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction. I am still a bi woman, even if not allosexual. This article is for those who identify the same way I do, as well as for my allosexual bis.

To make the text flow more smoothly, I might use the terms "bi," "bi+" and "bisexual" interchangeably throughout this article, because I'm referring to anyone who faces and can relate to the struggles of a bi person, regardless of how they personally experience attraction. In many cases, this will also include pansexual and panromantic people, as there is a large overlap in the qualities that make someone identify as either bi or pan -- though as I said above, those who identify as bi sometimes receive unfair pushback from those who choose the pan label as well.

In order to put this massive amount of thoughts in order, I'm going to categorize them and talk about each chapter individually, though many of them also blend together seamlessly because most biphobia is rooted in similar things. I'm going to be addressing many stereotypes and harmful statements made about bi+ people, beginning with:

"Bi Women Always End Up With Men"

First of all, that's obviously not a true statement and there are plenty of long-term couples who disprove it. I recently saw somebody on social media ask people to "name one bi woman who married another woman," as if they were a man asking a woman in a band shirt to name five songs. I didn't indulge them at the time simply because of how ridiculous a request it was, but because I'm addressing the topic here, and have all the time and space in the world, let's go over a few, shall we? I've met and known some personally, but I'm going to stick to examples from social media.

First there's Jordan Rand, who is famously engaged to Alaire Thomas, a technically non-binary person (she/they) who still identifies to some extent with womanhood and considers herself a lesbian. A similar example, although not yet engaged (that I know of), is the bisexual Alyssa Eells, and her girlfriend Lauren Payton, who has made several videos debunking the myths and talking about the backlash she receives for dating a bi woman as a lesbian. Over on Threads, there's everyone's favorite leftist lawyer, Sheryl Weikal, who is completely smitten with her wife Mercy.

And while the only social media handle I'm aware of for either of them is on Elon's website, which I won't share a link to because that website doesn't deserve the extra traffic, I can't neglect to mention the "bisexual sword wives" who went viral for their beautiful wedding photos in 2020 -- not one, but two bi women who married each other. There are non-influencer celebrity examples, too, as well as the women many of us know in our personal lives. So yes, bi women do sometimes marry or have long-term, serious relationships with women.

The stereotype of bi women primarily dating men isn't necessarily untrue, though.

The thing is, it's a lot more nuanced than simply 'bi women prefer men.' Sometimes it isn't a preference at all, but a happenstance. We need to be discussing the reasons it tends to happen so often rather than using it as a way of stereotyping and excluding bi women from the queer community. And there are several major things that contribute to it, so let's break some of them down.

The first and most obvious is the numbers themselves. I've seen a couple of great videos breaking down the math recently, and I'll link one of them, but to simplify it for text, it all comes down to the fact that the overwhelming majority of people still identify as straight, so when your options are men who are straight or bi+ (around 98% of men) and women who are gay or bi+ (around 6% of women), the math just isn't on your side if you're hoping to find a female partner.

This is only one of the reasons bi people often end up with opposite-sex partners, though. While people love to say that bisexuals aren't affected by homophobia, sometimes it's that very homophobia that forces them to choose a straight-presenting relationship.

More or less the entire world revolves around straight people. Anybody else is looked at like their mere existence is wrong or at the very least 'weird.' In some ways, we've made progress with this, and in other ways, such as actual legislation being considered/enacted in the United States and other countries, we're going backwards, and more people are feeling forced back into the closet for their own safety. Homophobia makes it more difficult for anyone in the LGBTQIA+ community to openly be themselves.

In the case of bisexual people, who have the option of being with the opposite sex, it means there's still a part of themselves they can embrace without experiencing discrimination. When they are in a straight-presenting relationship, they are assumed to be straight, which can be frustrating but also... safer. So while some don't like this assumption being made about them, others use it to blend in for safety's sake.

Being in a same-sex relationship can be scary for anyone in a heteronormative society, and unlike those who are gay or lesbian, bisexual people have another option, where they can still be with someone they're attracted to but avoid the constant stares and invasive questions. It makes sense that some bi people would choose that option, especially earlier in life when they're not quite ready to face discrimination head-on.

Is it right to choose this path? It's a privilege to be able to, for sure; no one's denying that. Many marginalized identities, despite their obvious disadvantages, also come with certain privileges that others don't -- for instance, white queer people have privileges that queer people of color never will -- and for bi people, this is the biggest one.

But instead of asking if it's right to take advantage of it, a better question is: should we be judging people for choosing the safety of a straight-presenting relationship during such a volatile time for openly queer people?

It's amazing when people are brave enough to stand up and be themselves in the face of discrimination or even danger, but not everyone can be that brave, and I don't feel like it's right to judge someone for choosing safety. I do think the hatred some gay and lesbian people have for bisexuals is at least partially rooted in resentment, because bi+ people are the only ones who have the option to choose a relationship that affords them privilege without denying their true selves. Maybe some of them even assume a bi person will do this because it's what they would do if they had the option. It's a privilege other queer groups just don't have unless they go back in the closet -- and that's extremely unfortunate and unfair. But we should be blaming the homophobic system for creating this atmosphere in the first place, not the people who happened to be born bisexual.

In addition to overall society, homophobic pushback can also come from an individual's family. Even 'well-meaning' family members who aren't outright hateful, but will never fully accept you.

One of the influencers I linked above, Jordan Rand, has spoken openly about the fact that her mother, due to her religious beliefs, has made the decision not to attend her upcoming wedding because she's marrying a woman. She's also made it clear that her mother actually loves her fiancée, so it isn't even like they're on bad terms or no-contact; they still speak and care about each other despite her relationship and her mother's religious views. But she won't be at the wedding and Jordan has made it clear that it's heartbreaking to her because she wants her mom there to witness the event.

If Jordan were marrying a man, this would be a non-issue for her -- and I'm sure there are others out there who have similar circumstances. I have so much respect for Jordan for choosing the person she loves despite not having full support from her family, but I also understand that not everyone is willing to make the sacrifice. To some, having familial support for every aspect of their relationship is a requirement, so unfortunately, although they would be open to it themselves, this rules out serious relationships with the same gender.

On a similar note, the next reason is one I definitely can't relate to personally, but there are a lot of women who actually want to get pregnant and give birth to biological children as well. While not impossible for sapphic couples, especially if the partner is trans, I don't have to tell you that this is usually a lot easier in opposite-sex relationships. If somebody doesn't want to navigate all the ins and outs of sperm donors, IVF, etc., that might factor into their preference when it comes to long-term relationships.

Of course, within the gay and lesbian community, there is also a significant percentage of people who will not date someone who's bi. This is not the primary reason, but still plays a role in whether or not a bi+ person has relationships with their same sex, as the people they're interested in may not want to date them due to their orientation or their past.

Some won't even date other gay/lesbian people who came out later in life after having opposite-sex relationships. We've all heard of 'gold star' lesbians, and the same concept exists for gay men, some of them even calling themselves 'platinum' if they were born by C-section because it means they've never come into contact with a vagina, including during birth. Which, first of all, ew, why are you sexualizing childbirth? But also, there are plenty of gay men and lesbians who -- again, thanks to living in a heteronormative and homophobic society -- didn't figure it out until they were older adults with hetero marriages and possibly several children under their belt.

I actually saw a Threads post during another writing break that said 'late-in-life lesbians' don't actually exist, implying that they're just bi women who made the choice to switch from men to women. The post ended with something along the lines of "it's okay to be bi," which I've actually seen used many times to invalidate other lesbians who have unusual circumstances or don't have 'gold star' status. But at the same time, if these women did claim a bi label, the same type of person who wrote that post would still be up in arms. So is it actually okay to be bi, in their opinion, or are they just saying that in an attempt to gatekeep lesbianism? It's unfortunate that the same kind of toxicity from many gold-star lesbians is affecting both bi women and other actual lesbians.

Although this is an article about biphobia, I do want to take a moment and express solidarity with the late-in-life lesbians affected by this, and acknowledge the privilege that bi women do have in being able to find other partners. For lesbians, there are no other options but women and several of those options are immediately erased because they aren't 'lesbian enough' for some. They didn't make a choice to stop dating men despite being attracted to them; they realized they were never actually attracted to them. And while bi women and lesbians are adjacent communities that should stand together and support each other, these women are facing gatekeeping from their own group within the queer community, and that's even more unfair.

As I already pointed out, though, most lesbians and gay men are not like that. The people who think this way are a minority within the community, and I will not allow people to suck me into the queer in-fighting. Especially when it comes to other groups of women because I am tired of women constantly being pitted against each other. Lesbians are not the problem; individuals who gatekeep queerness are the problem.

And finally, before we move on, let's also consider what has to happen before a relationship even forms: somebody has to make a move. If you know the person already, it usually isn't as much of a problem, but the fact of the matter is that approaching someone of your own gender in public can be dangerous when you don't know their feelings about the LGBTQIA+ community.

This one might affect bi men more than it does women, because straight men have a tendency to be more homophobic and violent than straight women. For a man who's attracted to multiple genders, it has to be hard to approach another man with romantic or sexual intentions without wondering if that man will be a violent homophobe, which could lead to personal safety concerns. Again, you can debate whether or not it's 'right' to choose something because it's easier and safer, but I can't bring myself to judge someone for that when the opposite choice could have repercussions nobody deserves. If you aren't sure that it's safe to express your interest in someone, I can't blame you for walking away rather than taking the risk.

And if you outwardly present as female in our heteronormative world, guess who the majority of people asking you out or expressing their interest in you are going to be. Exactly: straight men. The number of times I've been flirted with in public by strange women isn't zero, but it's definitely a mere fraction of the times I've been hit on by men. Because unless I'm wearing something that makes it very obvious, strange women don't know if I'm queer or not, and they also don't know what my reaction will be if I'm straight and get offended by their suggestion. I'd love to have more women flirt with me in public, but I also don't blame them for being intimidated by the idea or worried about the possibility of a negative reaction. Again, this is far more of an issue for men, but that doesn't mean it isn't a concern for women and non-binary people as well. Flirting with the same sex in a homophobic society is inherently more dangerous.

So taking into consideration all the reasons I've listed above, of course bi people often end up dating the opposite sex. The odds are kind of stacked against any other type of relationship for them -- but still there are many who find happiness with a same-sex partner regardless of all the obstacles.

But there is one more reason I felt deserved its own category, because it's something that not enough people talk about...

Allosexuals Can Experience Split Attraction

Three weeks ago, I posted the first chapter of my attraction series, which was all about split attraction. In that post, I mentioned that, despite the current model being something we talk about primarily in the asexual community, one of the earliest theories about split attraction was actually focused on bisexuals. If a bisexual person is perioriented, it means they are both bisexual and biromantic. But they can also be varioriented.

Split attraction, or variorientation, is something that literally anybody can have, not just those in the ace community. And as I've often said, I feel that we are doing allosexuals a disservice by not educating them on the topic. I believe it's something that every single person could benefit from knowing, that it would alleviate some of the issues in the queer community, and make everybody more understanding.

You can read all about split attraction in the link I provided above, but to shorten the definition to one sentence, it's when somebody's romantic attraction doesn't align with their sexual attraction. A person can feel one type of attraction for one gender, while feeling a different type of attraction for another (or for multiple genders or no genders at all). Asexuals experience this a lot because their sexual attraction doesn't exist -- but allos can be varioriented, too.

Among the common stereotypes about bisexual women in particular is that they only have serious relationships with men and would only marry a man, while finding women attractive only in the sexual sense, therefore only having casual relationships or "fun" with them. Some people say that this is "sexualizing" women, and in some cases, this could definitely be true. But sometimes it's actually baked into their orientation.

Of course, this does not excuse them from having open and honest communication with anyone they date or hook up with. Please, please, please, if you don't see yourself having a romantic relationship with a woman, don't let her believe that you do. Being up-front about your intentions from the very start can solve so many problems.

But ultimately, it is valid to be bisexual and heteroromantic. For the majority of allosexual people -- at least as far as we know -- they experience every type of attraction for the same gender. They're either straight, gay, or under the bi+ umbrella when it comes to all of their attraction types. But I'm of the belief that a lot more people have split attraction than realize it. Until you begin to learn about what split attraction means, it's natural to assume that your sexual orientation includes your romantic orientation. If we all began to learn more about the split attraction model, I think there's a fairly large percentage who would relate to it.

It works the other way around, too. Maybe you're biromantic, but your sexual orientation is pointing at only one of the genders you're into romantically, making that the only gender you want a relationship with. In the case of bi women, then, they could choose long-term relationships with men because they can only see themselves in a sexual relationship with a man, while they can love women romantically but in a way more similar to asexuals.

As I wrote in my entry dedicated to the SAM, you can have any combination of romantic and sexual orientations. A favorite example that I used there is the one of Daley South and Jeffrey Lord, a woman and a man who are both panromantic, but he's homosexual and she's asexual. Neither has sexual attraction to each other, but they are (or were at the time I learned of them) romantically attracted and in a poly relationship with each other.

Attraction is complicated, and the more we learn about it, the more complicated it seems to become. But at the same time, the more we learn about it, the more we can understand ourselves, our desires, and our relationships.

Is It 'Preference' or Is It Biphobia?

While I personally don't understand the need to be with someone who shares the exact orientation you have -- as long as you are both attracted to/interested in each other -- it's not entirely unwarranted to have a preference for people who share similar experiences to yours. A lot of people want to have a partner who has the same lived experience, and ultimately there's nothing wrong with lesbians, trans people, people of color, and others, seeking a partner who shares their identity or culture. Trauma and past negative experiences can also affect those preferences without necessarily leaning into bigoted territory. But there's a difference between "I dated a bi person and got hurt, so now I'm wary" and "I would never date someone who's been with men... eww."

It only becomes bigoted when you refuse to date someone you'd otherwise be interested in, solely because of a part of their identity. Everybody has preferences when it comes to the people they date, including physical traits, personality and lifestyle, but I think we can all agree that "I have a thing for people with blonde hair and blue eyes" is extremely different from "You must be white to date me." The former is an uncontrollable preference, while the later is incredibly racist. Another example is if you find yourself most attracted to a lean, fit body type -- this can be a preference without actively engaging in fatphobia toward anyone else. No one ever has to date somebody they aren't attracted to, but telling them you would never date them because they're fat isn't okay.

The problem occurs when bigoted dating requirements are passed off as innocent; and when anyone calls it out, they're met with "I'm allowed to have preferences!"

Yes, of course you are allowed to have preferences. But we must understand that "I'd like to date someone with similar lived experience" is a far cry from something like "I don't date bisexuals because they're all cheaters."

So while I do understand why a lesbian would have a preference for other lesbians, not even giving someone a chance because they're bi is, in fact, textbook biphobia. It's still your choice, because like I said, no one is ever obligated to date someone they don't want to -- obviously -- but don't claim it isn't biphobic when someone's bisexuality is the only reason you're rejecting them.

"Why don't they just date other bi women?" is something we've all heard as well. People love to say this if anyone has the nerve to bring up biphobic lesbians.

I've even been asked this myself, which is hilarious, because my preference is absolutely for other bi+ women. That would be my ideal partner, especially if she was also biromantic asexual -- this is my own version of what they call les4les, in which people who share my orientation can pass up everybody else and go straight to the front of the line.

But most people don't limit ourselves to only dating people who share our exact experience, and find it closed-minded to rule out an entire group of people that you are attracted to for this reason. If I meet a woman I'm into who likes me back, I'm not going to change my mind as soon as I find out that she's a lesbian instead of bi. That would qualify as lesbophobic to me -- because I'd be rejecting her solely for her lesbian identity.

Biphobia Isn't Just About Romantic Rejection

The other day, I saw someone post online -- a prime example of what I just wrote above -- "Why don't bisexual people just date each other? Then we can stop saying people are biphobic."

I shouldn't have to point this out, but biphobia isn't just about people of other orientations not wanting to date you. Just like homophobia, racism, and every other form of bigotry, biphobia presents itself in other aspects of life than just seeking a romantic partner.

Reducing the entire concept of biphobia to just bi people whining that people don't want to date them is one of the most egregious examples of biphobia itself that I've seen yet. And judging by the word 'we' in that person's post, it's possible it was internalized biphobia from someone who identifies that way themselves. Either way, it's ridiculous to imply that bi+ people don't experience biphobia in other scenarios as well.

And it isn't only coming from the queer community, either. The majority of biphobia probably comes from straight people, although in that case it usually isn't specifically biphobia, but homophobia. The same homophobia that affects gay and lesbian people typically affects bi+ people as well. Because they aren't straight.

Bi people are subjected to the same intolerance as other members of the queer community when they openly talk about their same-sex attraction. If they're in a queer-presenting relationship, they can't show affection in public without experiencing a wide range of homophobic comments and actions, from disgusted looks (at best) to slurs to even violence and hate crimes (at worst). A homophobe who sees a same-sex couple doesn't stop to verify if the people in the relationship are gay or bisexual -- and it wouldn't matter to them if they did. Bisexuals who fall in love and want to marry someone with the same assigned gender are still subjected to the possibility of having that right stripped away (in the U.S.) or to their marriage already being illegal (in other places around the world). Bisexuals can still experience discrimination when it comes to employment, housing, etc. to the same extent that gay people can.

Yes, if a bi person isn't currently with a partner of the same gender, they can 'pass' as straight and not experience these types of discrimination.

But the same can be said about a gay person who's single -- especially if they've been single a long time, in which case it can be very easy for others not to realize their orientation.

I rarely, or never, see people telling a single gay man or lesbian that they aren't really queer or that they don't experience discrimination because they aren't in a relationship. It's only bi+ and a-spec (asexual/aromantic spectrum) people who get told this.

Inclusion or Exclusion is Dependent on Your Current Relationship

And on that note, there is one type of discrimination that can only be perpetrated by the queer community, and that's the exclusion of bi+ people from the community at large. And I don't mean lesbians not wanting bi women to be in lesbian-only spaces, or whatever else you think I'm talking about based on the current online discourse. I'm talking about people who legitimately don't think bisexual people are 'queer enough' to be included in the community or at Pride events.

Despite the fact that bisexuals are literally the B in LGBT (and have been since the term was coined), decades later we still hear people ask "Are bisexuals part of the queer community?" on a regular basis.

The obvious, factual answer is yes. I mean, duh.

Socially, though? In terms of acceptance and inclusion in the queer community? Apparently, to many people, it depends. And it often comes down to the question of "Who are you dating right now?" Because as ridiculous as it sounds, we're only treated like we belong in the queer community when we are in queer-presenting relationships.

And even then, we're not accepted as ourselves, but as a version of us that only exists in people's heads -- because if we're dating the same sex, we still aren't actually considered bi. A bi woman dating another woman is commonly just referred to and treated as a lesbian. And sure, that leads to more acceptance from 'other' lesbians, but that acceptance hinges on whether or not that relationship lasts.

If they break up, then she becomes 'suspicious' again. And God forbid her next partner is a man. Then suddenly she's 'just a straight woman who was experimenting' or 'taking up space where she didn't belong.'

A bisexual woman who ends up dating a man after her relationship with a woman ends is not "going back to men." She never left men, because bi people are bi no matter who their current partner is. Being monogamous to one person for the length of that relationship is not equal to giving up the opposite sex forever (unless, of course, the relationship actually lasts forever, in which case you're giving up everyone besides that person, not just other genders). Bi people are allowed to go back and forth to different genders as their relationships end. That's literally part of being bi.

Although with that said, if you happen to have multiple relationships in a row with the same gender, it doesn't invalidate your bisexuality either. In general, your orientation determines what relationships you might have, but your relationships don't determine your orientation. If that were the case, everyone who's single and uninvolved would be aro-ace.

(And if you think that sounds absolutely ridiculous, it's because it is.)

As I mentioned above, bi+ and a-spec people tend to be the only ones whose inclusion in the queer community depends on their current relationship status. When somebody's attraction is fixed and only focused on one gender, nobody questions if their orientation is still the same when they're single. If you're gay, you're gay regardless of your relationship status. If you're straight, you're still straight even if you don't have a partner. But if you're bi, suddenly your entire identity -- in people's minds -- changes if you're in a relationship with the same gender, a different one, or no one at all. This is the very definition of bi erasure.

And even though the opposite sex is roughly half of your orientation, you'll be viewed as having abandoned the queer community if you date someone who falls into that category.

Recently, a woman who happened to be bisexual and biracial spoke about this on a queer podcast. I would link the clip here, except it was something that showed up randomly on my Instagram feed, and I don't remember the name of the podcast or the guest, so I have no way of finding it again. But the woman was currently in a relationship with a lesbian (who appeared on the podcast with her) and she mentioned the fact that her entire community would more or less view her as a traitor if they ever broke up and she had a male partner afterward. She compared it to being biracial, as someone who has experience with both, saying that she was always too Black for the whites and too white for the Blacks, as well as being too straight for the gays and too gay for the straights. I'm not biracial myself, but I'm sure there are many who can relate to this.

In my post two weeks ago, I wrote about alterous attraction, a type of attraction that exists in the grey area between platonic and romantic. In that article, I wrote: Most aspects of the human experience exist on a spectrum, but somewhere along the way, people became obsessed with binaries instead. Although you would expect the queer community to be more accepting of identities that don't fall into a binary -- and most of the community is -- there are still those among us who believe that you have to be either gay or straight, male or female, Black or white, etc. The concept of a grey area or a spectrum is still something that even a lot of gay people have trouble acknowledging.

In all honesty, this utter lack of acceptance from the queer community when you're in an opposite-sex relationship makes it really uncomfortable for a lot of people, including myself, to date the opposite sex at all. There are a lot of reasons I'd rather be with a woman than a man, but I'd be lying if I said that the fear of being viewed as 'straight' for the rest of my life is one of the major factors that keeps me from being interested in male partners right now. I'd be okay with a male partner in the short term, but what if we fall in love, and it ends up being a great relationship? My happy relationship would then make me lose my community. Of course, not my actual friends, because I know they'll be around regardless of my relationship or lack thereof, but it's not a fun feeling to know that the overall community you're now a part of would practically shun you based on the gender of your partner.

"Bisexuals Are More Likely to Cheat"

I'm honestly kind of mad that I actually need to type something this ridiculous, but we need to talk about it or this entry will not be complete. Just know that, despite my attempt to break it down rationally, all I'm actually thinking about is how stupid this is.

This is a completely untrue stereotype passed around by both straight and gay people. Since previous sections might have focused a bit more more on the gay and lesbian community's treatment of bi people, I'm going to focus on the straights for this one.

First of all, do you have any idea how often straight people cheat?

The idea that bi people are more likely to do it just because they have "twice as many options" is wild. I mean, your straight partner already has billions of options around the world, assuming they had to chance to meet all of those people. Probably hundreds or thousands in your local area, or if you're in a big city, even several million. Even if they are only attracted to one gender, do you realize how many people of that particular gender they interact with every single day? Coworkers, strangers on the train, staff at the businesses they patronize. Not to mention if somebody wants to cheat, they have access to a dozen different dating apps where they can actively seek people out. It isn't even limited to local people anymore thanks to these apps, where online cheating can happen too.

A person having more genders to choose from doesn't actually change the number of options that much since there are already plenty even for straight people. But even if it increased the options tenfold, a person who wanted to be faithful would be faithful, regardless of how many other people they technically could cheat with. If somebody's fidelity is solely dependent on their exposure to other 'options,' then they are simply not a faithful person.

If you're worried your partner is going to cheat, it's because you don't trust them. Maybe it's just because you're insecure, or maybe you have valid reasons to be suspicious of them, whether it's their past behavior or because you've noticed them hiding things from you. Or maybe you've done it yourself and you're projecting. But it all comes down to trust, and their bisexuality is not a valid reason not to trust them.

It's bad enough that so many people view dating a bisexual as having an increased possibility of infidelity, but even worse that some people apparently see being bi in itself as being unfaithful.

I once saw a woman talk about coming out as bisexual to her husband and receiving a negative reaction from him. There were so many comments on her post about it that just assumed her coming out meant cheating on him with a woman, actually publicly reprimanding her for cheating when she had said absolutely nothing of the sort. As if having the audacity to experience attraction to a gender other than her husband's was -- even without any action attached to it -- a betrayal.

It's always been weird to me that people associate bisexuality with cheating, but after trying to understand their reasoning, and especially after reading comments like the ones referenced above, I'm pretty sure I've figured it out. I can't fathom thinking this way myself... but I think I'm finally beginning to understand why some people do... and I absolutely hate it.

A lot of it seems to come from the highly unrealistic idea that you should never be attracted to anyone but your partner.

There's this expectation that when you're in a committed relationship with someone, you're not allowed to be attracted to anybody else and have to act like your attraction to others just disappears the moment you get serious about someone, at least according to certain toxic relationship norms. When a bi person has a partner, their recognition of their own identity is actively acknowledging that they're attracted to people other than their partner, which is a big no-no in the world of toxic monogamy.

And I think a lot of straight people are particularly afraid of bisexuality because it means they can't control their partner in the same way they might try to otherwise. If your partner is straight, then you can discourage or 'forbid' them from having friends of the opposite sex to supposedly prevent them from forming attractions. This, while still incredibly toxic, is more socially accepted as 'normal.' I still regularly see people asking the question "Can men and women be just friends?" and the responses are always overwhelmingly negative. It blows my mind every time, but it's still alarmingly common for people to have this (extremely heteronormative) mindset.

But if your partner is bi or pan, what are you going to do? Tell them they can't have any friends at all? If you're viewing relationships through a heterosexual lens -- and not just that, but also the controlling and abusive lens that demands no opposite-sex friendships -- then all friendships become dangerous when your partner is bi+. It becomes inappropriate in your mind for your partner to have a platonic relationship with a person of any gender they're attracted to, which leaves out pretty much everybody for pansexuals and many others under the bi umbrella.

Again, it all comes down to whether or not you trust your partner, and those who exert control over their partners clearly don't. And even if you don't want to control your partner's friendships, you're still subconsciously holding onto the old 'men and women can't be just friends' mindset -- only now you're projecting that onto a queer person in a very homophobic and biphobic way by implying that attraction to a gender other than yours is equal to cheating.

To me, this all sounds like a straight-people problem that bi people are being blamed for.

The Threesome Thing & The Fetishization of Bi Women

While some straight people are paranoid that having a bi partner means they'll cheat, there's also the equally-problematic other side of the coin: straight people, especially straight men, who think being with a bi person somehow means automatic threesomes or an open relationship. Which all comes back to the exact same stereotype about bi+ people not being capable of monogamy.

Everybody, please repeat after me:

Bisexual. And polyamorous. Are NOT. THE. SAME. THING.

Not all poly or ethically non-monogamous people are bi. Not all bi people are poly or ENM. There is some overlap, as there will be between any orientation, gender, relationship style, or other identity. Yes, there are some bi women who are down to be your unicorn. Find them and leave everyone else alone.

To assume that a bisexual person, especially a bisexual woman, automatically wants to have a threesome with you and another woman of your choosing is not only biphobic, but also treats women in general like they exist only to please straight men. Knock it off.

I know I've already referenced Jordan Rand here a couple of times, but I want to bring up the story she and her fiancée both shared about how they met. Jordan was actually in an open relationship with her (now-ex) boyfriend at the time of meeting Alaire. Having immediate and mutual attraction for Alaire, she talked to her boyfriend about it, which was one of their rules, and got approval to start dating her. Eventually, though, the boyfriend complained that he wasn't attracted to Alaire and asked Jordan if she could date a woman who was more his type instead so they could both be involved/enjoy the relationship. The audacity of this man to frame it as an equal open relationship when he actually just wanted his bisexual girlfriend to date a woman he was attracted to. Wild, yet unfortunately not unexpected from a straight man dating a bi woman. Of course it all worked out in the end since Jordan broke up with the boyfriend and is now deliriously happy with her soon-to-be wife.

"Bi Women Haven't Decentered Men"

While there are certainly some women of every orientation who are male-centered (yes, even lesbians!) it is inherently biphobic to assume this is the case for any woman who identifies as bi. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't be assumed of straight women, either.

One's sexual or romantic orientation doesn't determine whether or not they are male-centered. You can date men without centering them. A straight woman can center herself and other women in her own life, while still being attracted to, even dating or married to a man. While men need to be largely decentered in our society overall, it is unfair to tell straight women that they shouldn't date, or bi women that they can only date women and non-binary people.

People are allowed to date whoever they want. It's very different from being male-centered, which means propping up the patriarchy, betraying themselves or other women for the benefit of men, letting their male partner make decisions for their life that are not in their best interest, thinking that their man's career or desires are more important than their own, upholding gender roles in the household, etc. A woman can have a relationship with a man without doing any of these things.

Is it difficult to find a man who doesn't believe he should be centered in the relationship? Yes, and that's exactly why I -- and many other women -- would rather not date them anymore. Personally, if I get into a relationship again, one of the major reasons I would prefer to be with another woman is because I want a fully equal partnership, and I don't believe I'll ever find that with a man because most of them just don't view us as equals -- even many of the ones who think they do. This is my personal preference.

But does this mean I can judge the bi women who've found a man they have a good relationship with, or a straight woman who wants romantic companionship? No. It is not my right to judge who anybody dates or loves. That's the entire point of the saying "Love is Love."

When the discussion of decentering men comes up, people focus too much on dating and attraction, making it seem like only women who date men are capable of centering them. But there are many other ways in which people of all genders and orientations can center men, and like I said earlier, this even includes some lesbians. Just because you aren't attracted to men doesn't mean you're immune to centering them in other ways. We talk about women carrying water for the patriarchy, and some lesbians' behavior does exactly that. While I think the majority of lesbians are not male-centered, there are absolutely some who are, especially ones who have primarily male friends and seek the approval of those friends by objectifying the women they date, acting like f*** boys in their relationships, and generally seeking to impress men more than uplift women.

In some cases, even the refusal to date a bisexual woman or a late-in-life lesbian can come off as quite male-centered. If you view a woman as having been 'contaminated' or 'ruined' by being with a man in the past, I'm afraid you're not much better than the male incels who insist on a woman being a virgin. You're treating women like objects just as much as they are, acting like they are pre-owned items and that they're worthless because they've 'belonged' to a man before. You're judging people by their proximity to men. It's no better than a man judging a woman by her previous relationships because he wants a 'new car' instead of a 'used' one. In both scenarios, the woman is being treated like she isn't 'pure' anymore because a man has touched her. I'm not really sure how toxic gold-star lesbians justify this treatment of other women as anything other than male-centered.

Another very male-centered behavior in my opinion? People who assume that bi women are 'actually just straight' while bi men are 'actually just gay.' Regardless of their gender, bi people are assumed to prefer men for whatever reason. (Could that reason be misogyny?)

I've been very much enjoying following Joi Walker on Instagram lately, who's a lesbian but is very outspoken about calling out biphobia in her own community. I had considered linking some of her videos here, but it would have been difficult to find the exact reels I was looking for, so instead I'm just going to share her whole account and recommend you give her a follow because she has plenty of stuff worth listening to.

"Bi Women Decentered Men TOO Much"

Okay, that one's not a direct quote, but it's ultimately what some people are saying. Because on one hand, people complain about bi women dating men; and on the other, they complain about bi women not dating men.

As I already wrote, decentering men doesn't mean that you're no longer allowed to date them. However, many bi+ women (and even many straight women) don't have an interest in dating them regardless. Despite being attracted to men, they can be such a problematic group that many women simply don't want to be involved with them.

Jokingly, even women who have boyfriends or husbands will sometimes say that they're embarrassed or disappointed in themselves for being with a man. And I guarantee that their man is actually in on the joke almost 100% of the time, because women who feel this way don't date men who are insecure enough to be offended by it. There are some good straight men out there, and they often end up married to the women who hate men the most -- because they also hate the type of men that women hate.

But in the rush to villainize bi women for almost literally anything, I've seen a lot of people -- and somehow, it's usually other women -- say that they need to stop complaining about being attracted to men because it's offensive to... men? Lesbians somehow? Other bi people? I don't know, but they seem to get really upset at the fact that bi women might have an attraction that they aren't entirely thrilled about having.

Almost every time I see this discourse taking place, at least one person has to chime in with, "It's almost like they don't realize that men are a choice!"

And sure, dating men is a choice. Being attracted to men, however? Different story.

It's understandable to be disappointed if you still find a certain gender attractive despite not actually wanting to get involved with them. Overall, we seem to accept that when it comes to straight women. I have seen countless straight women say something along the lines of, "The fact that I still find men attractive is proof that sexuality isn't a choice." But if a bi woman says the same thing, people complain that they shouldn't identify as bi if they don't like men. Why do we understand that orientation isn't a choice for straight or gay people, but still act like it is for bi+ people?

Some of them make it sound as if you'll magically become a lesbian if you make the choice to actively stop going out with men. But if you're actually a lesbian, you aren't a 'real' one if you've ever been with a man in the past, even if it was before you realized you aren't attracted to them. The contradictory 'rules' of it all just don't make sense. If you're lesbian, you're lesbian, regardless of what you did before coming out. And if you're bi, you're bi, but it doesn't mean you're obligated to date every gender you're attracted to or even be happy about it.

"It's okay for bi women to be attracted to men," they point out, as if they're standing up for bi women instead of insulting them. And obviously that statement, on its own, is true.

But it's funny how bi women can never do anything right in some people's minds. If you're attracted to men and continue to date them, you're too male-centered. If you're attracted to men but you choose not to date them, you should just shut up and not talk about it. People love to say that "it's okay to be bi" except for when someone who's actually bi speaks about it openly.

Straight Partners at Pride Discourse

The past several Pride seasons, a lot of the anti-bi discourse has been based around whether or not those in straight-presenting relationships should be 'allowed' to bring their partner to Pride parades/events. Specifically, the conversation always centers around bisexual women with straight boyfriends.

Because they are in a relationship that "looks hetero" on the surface, a lot of people say they don't deserve to bring their partners to any events that are meant for the LGBTQIA+ community... which in some cases could be fair, if the event in question is more of a closed-door group meant specifically for people who are queer to socialize with each other. But Pride parades, as far as I know, are usually open to straight allies in general, regardless of relationship status, and cis-het people often show up to support their friends, family, and the community at large. Pride isn't necessarily about celebrating relationships, but about celebrating queer individuals. If you're in a queer relationship, great -- celebrate that too! But if you're single, closeted, or in a relationship that doesn't look queer on the surface, you're still allowed to go. If gay and lesbian people don't have to sit out Pride when they're single, why would a bi+ woman who happens to have a boyfriend right now?

Many of the comments people make when this conversation is taking place just reinforce stereotypes and biases that people have against bi individuals, including the weird stereotype that only women are bisexual. Despite the fact that the roles could easily be reversed, I haven't seen much discourse at all about bi men bringing straight girlfriends with them. In fact, I don't think I've seen it mentioned even once. Another example of how even the queer community can be misogynistic and male-centered.

Again, being in a relationship that appears 'normal' (i.e. a male and a female) and doesn't receive constant discrimination in overall society is a privilege that bi+ people sometimes have, but that doesn't mean that they (whether generally closeted, semi-closeted, or out to everyone) shouldn't be allowed to participate in Pride until they're dating someone of their own gender.

Additionally, before you get upset that a straight-presenting couple 'doesn't belong there,' maybe stop and think about all the other identities one or both of those people could have. Aside from being bi, one or both of them could be trans, non-binary, asexual, intersex, or some other member of the overall queer community that isn't necessarily visible. When you think you can tell someone's identity just by looking at them, you start to sound a lot like the transphobes who say "We can always tell." (And spoiler alert: no, they can't.)

But even if they are truly a male/female cisgender couple and one of them is bi -- it doesn't matter, as long as the straight partner is respectful and supportive of everyone in attendance. Pride events should be the one place where a bisexual person -- as well as every other queer person -- doesn't need to hide who they are.

What About Bi+ Men & Non-Binary People?

Most of this entry so far has been about the treatment of bi women. This is not because I'm ignoring bi men, but rather because everyone else ignores bi men. Okay, "everyone" is an exaggeration, but as I pointed out in the last section, it tends to be bi women who are the subject of so much scrutiny, and therefore, they're also the ones I have the most to write about. However, there are unique issues that the male part of our community faces, as well.

Misogyny affects everyone. I could -- and someday will -- write an entire post about that, but for now, I'm just going to focus on this one aspect of it. Pretty much every type of bigotry that doesn't boil down to racism boils down to misogyny instead. This includes not only biphobia, but homophobia, transphobia, etc.

And men can be indirect victims of misogyny, as well. Even a patriarchal society that centers and uplifts men has a negative impact on them -- because patriarchy doesn't just hate women, it hates anything it views as even remotely 'feminine.'

Statistics, which can only account for openly bi people, say that over 60% of bisexuals are women, while less than 36% are men and around 4% are non-binary. I absolutely don't believe this reflects reality. The same can be said of asexual people, where the statistics come about to about 85% female, 10% male, and 5% non-binary. The NB percentage being low is likely due to the fact that NB people in general are a pretty small percentage of the population, but the male and female percentages having such a wide discrepancy doesn't make sense.

Until you take into consideration how difficult the patriarchy makes it for men to come out.

They've sold everyone this idea that men aren't manly if they aren't obsessed with sex, and specifically sex with women. Anything deemed 'gay' or 'feminine' is viewed as inferior, and that includes both a lack of interest in sex and an interest in other men. It takes a lot of bravery for men to come out as bisexual, because in order to do so, they have to shed the toxic, patriarchal idea of what makes a man 'a real man.'

And while a lot of straight men are interested in bi women -- even though it can sometimes be for a reason that is selfish and problematic -- there seems to be a much worse stigma among straight women against dating a bi man. Not just for the generally biphobic reasons that affect every bi+ person's love life, but also for homophobic reasons specific to men. Allegedly, there are even some bi women who won't date bi men, which makes zero sense. I haven't seen women say this personally, but I've heard about it second-hand.

As previously mentioned, bi people of different genders are viewed differently, but it's all caused by misogyny when it comes down to it. Bi women are viewed as straight women who are just experimenting and will never commit to a woman; bi men are viewed as gay men who aren't willing to commit to fully coming out as gay. Somehow, in these stereotypes, men are always presented as the default and the most desirable partners.

Of course, the bisexual label can be a stepping stone to coming out as gay or lesbian, but this is not the default and does not invalidate bisexuality as its own orientation. People's identities can fluctuate over time as they learn more about themselves, or they might sometimes use the bisexual label at first to 'soften the blow' when they have homophobic families -- giving hope to their parents that there's still a chance of them having a traditional family and giving them grandchildren the old-fashioned way. I don't fault these people for using the bi label as a stepping stone and eventually changing it.

But true bisexual people, including bisexual men, do very much exist, and it's a permanent orientation that will stay with them for the rest of their life.

This also includes bisexual non-binary people.

A lot of people can't seem to wrap their minds around a non-binary person being bisexual, because they can't get past the idea of the 'bi' in bisexual meaning strictly men and women. (I'll discuss this more below when I go over the difference between bi and pan.)

But actually, NB people being bisexual makes a lot of sense. Because the binary involved here is not men and women. The binary is gay and straight -- and bisexuality, as well as pansexuality and asexuality, are all orientations that defy that binary. They are non-binary orientations, so they make perfect sense for non-binary individuals to have.

Of course, non-binary people can also be attracted to only one gender, and how they label themselves is up to them. They can have any orientation, just like anyone else. And if they choose to identify as bi instead of pan, it does not make them transphobic toward themselves or other trans people, since, contrary to some people's opinions, bisexual is not an inherently transphobic orientation.

What's the Difference Between Bi and Pan Anyway?

There are two different ways of defining each orientation, but in my opinion, one is more correct.

Bisexual is often reduced to attracted to men and women, which some uninformed people believe is transphobic because it leaves out non-binary and even binary trans people (in their opinion). I reject this idea completely. First of all, binary trans people are men and women, so being attracted to them just falls into those categories. When I say I'm attracted to men and women, I'm not excluding trans men and trans women. And personally, while I don't know if I'm specifically attracted to non-binary people in the way that I'm specifically attracted to men and women, I would never rule someone out for being non-binary, and I affirm their gender whether I'm personally attracted to them or not.

Pansexual, then, is sometimes considered attraction to all genders, including non-binary and other trans people -- hence the prefix 'pan,' meaning 'all.' Some people say this is the transphobic label because it separates trans men and women out from the rest, as if they aren't in the same category as cis men and women.

But what I and most others view as the real definition has nothing to do with the actual number of genders you're attracted to, but the way you experience attraction. More people are shifting toward viewing the 'bi' in bisexual not as being attracted not to two genders, but having two modes of attraction: same and different (in fact, the bisexual manifesto from 1990 affirms this).

This means you can be attracted to two or more genders, as long as they are both the same as yours and different from yours. It doesn't need to be the direct opposite (male vs. female) but can also include non-binary people. For example, if you're only attracted to women and non-binary people, you could technically be considered bisexual, although most would prefer not to use that label because of the assumption that it includes men.

Pansexual is attraction regardless of gender, which suggests that a pan person's attraction works in a completely different way than straight, gay, or most bi people's. They are not only attracted to all genders, but a person's gender has no bearing on whether or not they are attracted to them, and does not play a part in their attraction at all. To me, this makes it a very specific type of orientation that falls underneath the bi umbrella, but is also its own thing. So you could say that all pansexuals are bi, but not all bisexuals are pan. Polysexual is another microlabel that means attraction to multiple but not all genders, while omnisexual means all genders, but unlike pan, gender plays a role in attraction. All of these microlabels are under the bi+ umbrella, and some are harder for me to remember because they aren't in common use like bi and pan are.

As I've said many times, in my personal life and probably at least a couple of times on this blog, I choose to identify as biromantic rather than panromantic because gender does play a role in my attraction to someone. I wouldn't rule somebody out as a partner because of their gender, so some people might say I could classify myself as panromantic. But the difference is how I view gender in relation to my attraction. I find different traits attractive in men and women. My romantic attraction is heavily tied to my aesthetic attraction. I've definitely been aesthetically attracted to non-binary people before, and wouldn't rule them out romantically, but usually... there's just something about men and women. I'm attracted to masculine people and feminine people in different ways. Although I might like men and women equally (in terms of attraction only), their gender identity and presentation are part of what I find attractive about them. I have never felt like the pan label is appropriate for me for that reason.

Ultimately, bi and pan are very similar labels, though they aren't the exact same thing. Both are valid. Neither is inherently transphobic, though there are probably transphobic individuals who use each. There is a lot of overlap between the communities, and sometimes, the main reason a person chooses one label over the other is because they like the colors of the flag better. (Another reason I'm glad to be bi, because what do you mean they put yellow in the pan flag?)

In Conclusion

With all of that being said -- and it was a lot -- my intention is never to present bi+ people as perfect, innocent angels. I understand that some of us can be insufferable too, especially bi women toward lesbians. And that's part of what I mean when I say that all of this at least partially feels like a psy-op to get us fighting amongst ourselves. In general, we all just need to have more empathy and compassion for each other. Communicate with each other. Build trust. And stop painting each other with a broad brush because of something a handful of people have done.

Yes, there are some bi women who are male-centered. There are some who view same-sex relationships are less serious or purely sexual while holding out for a long-term opposite-sex partner. There are some who legitimately don't take rejection well and blame an entire group of people, like lesbians, for the actions of one or two people who rejected them. There's a little truth in every stereotype. But that's just what they are: stereotypes.

You might view bi people as being closer to straightness, but when it comes to -phobia and discrimination from cis-het society, and particularly right-wing politicians, none of us is safe in the LGBTQIA+ community. They hate all of us. And they're the ones who benefit when we fight with each other.

tags: attraction, bisexuality, lgbtqia+